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Breaking

and entering

U.S.

Seymour Krelborn Comes Out in Favor of GMOs

After the unexpected death of local Mushnik’s Flower Shop owner and namesake Mr. Mushnik, former shop assistant and current de facto-owner Seymour Krelborn has come out in support of genetically-modified organisms, or GMOs. 

When asked why the de facto owner of a flower shop would want to set up an impromptu press conference outside the storefront to declare is support for GMOs, Krelborn responded, “Don’t worry about it, okay?”

America Just Not That Into Rudy Giuliani

At a dinner featuring 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani proclaimed, “I do not believe that the president loves America.” America has since responded that it’s “just not that into him.”

The country, famous for its tendency to carefully consider involving itself in other people’s problems, decided that it had to weigh in on Giuliani’s remarks.

“Look, I understand he’s really into me.  And who wouldn’t be?” said America. “We had our thing a few years ago but now I’m just so over Ricky Giovanni.”

D.C. Legalizes Weed, Senate Reports “No Change” in Productivity

WASHINGTON, DC--In a rare moment of conviviality following the District of Columbia's legalization of recreational cannabis use this week, all 100 members of the US Senate lit up together in the basement of the Hart Senate Office Building, leading to what observers have described as "no change whatsoever" in the amount of work the body got done.

Republicans Hope for More Success With Keystone Light Proposal

In response to President Obama's veto of Congress' proposal for the Keystone XL Pipeline, Republican leadership announced plans thursday for the new "Keystone Light" Pipeline, which they referred to as a "leaner, more refreshing" alternative to the much-publicized transnational oil conduit.

"We need to recognize that the American oil industry has ever-changing tastes," Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) told reporters. "And this new bill gives our refineries more bang for their energy buck."

White Actors Sweep Oscars, Overcome History of Opportunity

Hollywood, CA - In a groundbreaking victory for white rights activists and other minorities around the nation, 36.6 million viewers watched on Sunday as Eddie Redmayne (The Theory of Everything) and Julianne Moore (Still Alice) received the awards for Best White Actor and Best White Actress, respectively, at the 87th Academy Awards. Patricia Arquette (Boyhood) and JK Simmons (Whiplash) also made film history when they were announced as Best White Supporting Actress and Actor, as well.

Oklahoma Bans AP U.S. History, Native Americans Reclaim Land

Oklahoma City, OK – Following the ban by the Oklahoma state legislature of AP U.S. History in public high schools due to its emphasis on the “negative aspects” of the American narrative, the Wichita and Apache tribes have legally reclaimed ownership of the entire state of Oklahoma. 

After Hard Alcohol Ban, Speakeasies "Thriving" at Dartmouth

Dartmouth Bootlegger

HANOVER, NH—In the wake of a campus-wide ban on hard liquor, reports have surfaced of bootleggers establishing numerous speakeasies, often using fraternity houses as fronts, across the campus of Dartmouth College.

“It’s a nightmare,” reported Dartmouth’s Director of Safety and Security, Harry C. Kinne. “This policy is turning average students into criminals, and literally anyone who has a car into a folk hero."

American Swiper: Film Review

ODESSA, TX- Starring a kleptomaniac, naked fox with a passion for fighting foreigners, the film American Swiper has earned more money in the box office than UNICEF has raised in aid for the children of Afghanistan. Based on true events, American Swiper tells the story of Chriswiper Kyle, the deadliest swiper in American history, who achieved over 150 confirmed swipes during his tours of duty. The film is considered incredibly controversial, with some people calling it the veneration of prejudiced murder, and white people calling it a loveable, patriotic story.

Lame Duck Obama Actually Grows Hitler Mustache to Fuck with Tea Party

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama announced today that, since the midterm elections are over, he has grown a Hitler mustache just to fuck with the Tea Party. 

“How do you like me now, Ted Cruz? Ooooo I’m scaaaary aren’t I?” asked President Obama in front of a crowd of reporters in the White House Briefing Room. “I just don’t give a fuck anymore about this bipartisan bullshit,” he added.

North Korean Flag Raised Above US Capitol

The sun never sets on the Democratic People's Empire unless previously authorized.

Sung, DK, Glorious Democratic People's Republic of the Former United States—Following hacks of sensitive information and unsubstantiated empty threats to turn Sony Pictures and every movie theater in America into a “sea of flames rivaled only by Tartarus itself”, President Barack Obama earlier today signed an oath of allegiance to Kim Jong-Un. Shortly thereafter, the president was executed by firing squad along with Seth Rogen, James Franco, Amy Pascal, and Steve Hannah, CEO of the Onion, for their crimes against the Glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

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