SatireV

Breaking

and entering

U.S.

Congressman Proposes Series of "Grand Jury Tweaks"

Congress is set up to vote on a proposal addressing grand jury reform that, according to Congressman James Beam (R-OH), is "a series of quick, easy fixes for a justice system that clearly isn't broken." 

"I know that people have had a lot of things to say about our grand juries recently, but I assure you that our American justice system is as dependable and strong as our American cars," he went on. "You just need to make a couple of quick tweaks, fix the scratches, and unquestioningly arrest the first guy who looks like he might have keyed your car."

President Obama Proposes Funding for 50,000 Police Navi

In the wake of civil unrest brought about by the recent grand jury rulings against the indictment of St. Louis PD officer Darren Wilson and NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo, President Obama has asked Congress to provide funding for 50,000 police fairy companions to accompany America’s law enforcement officers on their adventures.

Federal Bureau of Dads: Who Touched the Thermostat?

WASHINGTON D.C. - Pending further review, the Federal Bureau of Dads has yet to establish "who touched the fucking thermostat? Diane? Diane!"

Thermostat touching, a perennial issue for the Bureau, captured the attention of the nation this week, as concerns of "It's 71 fucking degrees in here!" and  "Who do you think is paying for this shit?" continued to mount.

The Bureau, in a rare official statement, emphasized the need for "Jesus Christ, Diane! Put on a sweater if you're cold!"  

Kim Kardashian Breaks the Internet

A SatireV exclusive investigation revealed that Kim Kardashian broke the Internet last week when she attempted to log onto her Gmail account and found that no webpages were loading.

“Honey! The Internet isn’t working!” she shouted up the stairs, according to sources.

“Huh?”

“The Internet! It’s not working!”

“Huh! Try turning the computer off and on again!” replied her husband, Kanye West, an aspiring musician.

Obama Regrets Making Sad Face in 2009

“You know, the one where I scrunch up my chin and look real sad?” said a graying and tired Obama. “One photo—whole presidency down the crapper.”

After five years of attack commercials, “Repeal Obamacare?” popup surveys, disparaging novelty mugs, “Republicans hate him” sidebar ads, pessimistic Washington Post story photos, Rage Face memes, and yard signs, President Barack Obama admits he deeply regrets making that frown in a press conference on March 7th, 2009.  

GMO Labeling Referendum Voted Down by Sentient Corn Harvest

Willamette Valley, OR—After weeks of fiery rhetoric on both sides of the issue bombarded the state's 3.9 million residents, Oregon’s GMO labeling referendum ultimately faltered at the polls. Initial disbelief at the numbers—442,456 in favor to 9,723,481,122 against—quickly turned into resentful acceptance after realizations that the entire MON 832 corn crop voted against the measure.

Tim Cook Comes Out as Rich White Man

AMERICA – In an announcement expected to completely transform the landscape of the tech industry and beyond, Apple CEO Tim Cook has confirmed rumors that he is, in fact, a rich white man. Working in a business world plagued by women and minorities, Tim Cook stands out as a beacon of hope for affluent white males everywhere.

Michelle Obama Moves Arrhythmically with Dusty Root Vegetable, Inspires Youth

WASHINGTON, DC—Youth everywhere are putting down their mayonnaise poppers and sugar injections and picking up bitter, vitamin C rich bulbs of turnip in response to FLOTUS Michelle Obama’s short, uncomfortable post to Vine last night.

Nevertheless, some critics remain skeptical of the efficacy of the first lady’s hip take on healthy living.

President Obama Kidnapped, Secret Service Smells Something Fishy

WASHINGTON - Following media reports that President Barack Obama was kidnapped yesterday, the Secret Service released a statement that expressed its belief that something smelled fishy.

“We are of the opinion that something suspicious is going on,” said acting director Joe Clancy in a press briefing, as the Commander-in-Chief was whisked away from the White House in a burlap sack carried by two burly, masked men. “We’re not quite sure what it is, yet, but it’s definitely something that we should check out.”

White Straight Men Announce Merger With White Gay Men

After years of deliberation, the White Straight Men of the United States have announced their willingness to collaborate and share resources with the White Gay Men of the United States. Although the two groups have experienced tensions in the past, members of the former WSMUS have expressed regret for their past actions noting that progress is “inevitable.” Both groups have expressed optimism for the joint venture, which will henceforth be known as White Men Unltd.

Pages