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Supreme Court: People are Corporations Too

Calling its decision a "win for human beings," the Supreme struck down the individual cap on political donations, allowing people to contribute just as much to Republican candidates as corporations do. 
 

Chris Martin: "All of My Melancholy Songs Were About My Marriage"

Following the announcement that he and wife Gwyneth Paltrow have decided to separate, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin revealed in an interview that the band’s most melancholy and wistful songs were metaphors for his 10-year long marriage to the actress. 

Desperate Exchange Student Attempts, Fails to Tell Host Family About Parasite

        Tampa, FLMaria Bortsova, a visiting student at the University of South Florida’s College of Communications, was unsuccessful in her attempt during dinner last Friday to tell her host family about the organism that is currently feasting on her large intestine.

Government Awards Hazard Pay to Lakers Players

LOS ANGELES– With Kobe, Nash, Gasol, Young, Meeks, Blake, and Farmar, among others, missing games due to injuries this season, the Lakers’ record has dropped to a dismal 22-46. Around the league, commentators have blamed the team’s poor season on its injury troubles. But they are not the only ones who have taken notice.

Grandson of Henry Ford Dies in Most Efficient Way Possible

William Clay Ford, Sr., the last surviving grandson of notable industrialist and car manufacturer Henry Ford, died in his sleep on March 9. Analysts have waited to release this information on the speediness and optimized productivity of his death for fear that someone else would die incredibly efficiently, perhaps long-time favorite, the ever-efficient German train system.

Terrified Adele Dazeem flees Country after John Travolta blows her Cover

Undisclosed Location—Wanted Turkmenistani terrorist Adele Dazeem—who has spent the last twenty years living in the United States under the assumed name Idina Menzel—has fled the country following the revelation of her identity by John Travolta at last week’s Academy Awards, a Department of Homeland Security source has confirmed.

Man Returns to Lonely, Worthless Life After Super Bowl Party Ends

PITTSBURGH—Soon after the big game had ended and his only two friends had departed, John Rackly, 44, returned to his lonely and depressing life. Moments earlier, Rackly could be seen standing on his porch, waving his friends goodbye. “Bye Tom! Bye Phil!” he was reported calling as they drove into the night, his smile fading with the evening.

Peyton Manning to Replace "Omaha" with "Pepsi" at Super Bowl

In response to the overwhelming demand for Sunday’s highly coveted Super Bowl advertising slots, soft drink manufacturer PepsiCo has entered into an agreement with Colorado-based TV commercial actor and occasional football player Peyton Manning, under which the Denver Broncos QB will replace his recognizable “Omaha” audible with the name of the iconic beverage for Super Bowl XLVIII.

Americans Psyched for Sunday's Episode of Downton Abbey

Americans all across the nation are donning jerseys and purchasing grilling supplies for Sunday’s big TV event, when everyone will tune in to watch the fifth episode of Downton Abbey, Season 4.  The episode of PBS’ wildly popular Masterpiece series is expected to draw the highest television audiences of the year, with estimates hovering around 105 million viewers. 

Millions of Americans to Sleep Soundly Tonight Knowing White Santa is On His Way

It is Christmas Eve, and millions of Americans will sleep comfortably knowing that a Caucasian man bearing gifts will be paying their home a visit tonight.

“We just feel more comfortable having someone we can trust delivering the gifts,” said Nancy Shaw of Ohio, speaking on behalf of her white family. “You know, someone who will take the cookies and milk, but nothing else.” 

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