Las Vegas, NV - Hillary Rodham Clinton was dealt a crushing defeat at the first Democratic debate Tuesday night, losing to a team of inmates from a high security prison in upstate New York. Clinton, who relied heavily on the anecdote of being a grandmother to get her through the night, just couldn’t compete with the prisoners, who had limited access to the Internet in prepping for the debate.

Following yesterday’s hearing about Planned Parenthood at the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, many Republican members of Congress expressed uncertainty about the meaning of the word “mammogram,” which was used multiple times during the hearing.

“I’ve never heard that word before,” said Rep. Paul Gosar (R-AZ). “But everyone kept saying it over and over again. It was driving me crazy. Mammogram, mammogram, mammogram!”

Late Tuesday afternoon, Morgan Stanley banker Steven Longstreet reportedly came to the grave realization that Houston resident Felicia Gomez had most definitely stolen his $10,000 Rolex Oyster Perpetual Datejust Rhodium Diamond wristwatch, without a doubt.

Leavenworth, KS--Speaking after the former Patriots tight end was sentenced to life without parole, Leavenworth Penitentiary Warden Claude Maye told sources that he was really looking forward to building a prison yard football team around Hernandez.

“Aaron Hernandez is just the tight end Leavenworth needs to put our team on top,” Maye said. “Now I just need to get a team behind him.”

Cambridge, MA—Last week former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made headlines when she ordered a burrito bowl at a Maumee, Ohio Chipotle and no one recognized her.

In advance of his speech at the JFK Jr. Forum today, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley stopped by Qdoba in Harvard Square and also went unrecognized.

“I thought I’d surprise the everyday Americans of Harvard Square, just like Secretary Clinton did,” said the soon-to-be Democratic presidential candidate, O’Malley.

North Charleston, SC—Following the news that North Charleston police officer Michael Slager would face homicide charges following the death of Walter Scott, a coalition of bigoted uncles from across the United States announced their readiness to say hateful things about African-Americans on Facebook at a moment’s notice.