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Colorado on Floods: “Well, It’s Different Than Fire, But I’m Not Sure It’s Better.”

 After weeks of punishing rains, the great state of Colorado has finally had time to reflect on the disastrous floods that have killed at least ten residents. 

George Zimmerman Agrees to Hand Over All Chemical Weapons

A stray remark by Secretary of State John Kerry may prevent further violence in the strife-ridden area of Sanford, Florida. Kerry, in a televised interview, suggested offhandedly that military intervention could be avoided by handing over all chemical weapons to the “international community”, and it appears that Zimmerman may comply.

Fox News Changes Strategy After Reza Aslan Interview

Following a recent television interview with scholar Reza Aslan about his right as a Muslim to write about Jesus Christ despite his four advanced degrees and expertise in religious scholarship, Fox News has released a statement drastically changing their operations plan.

Department of Motor Vehicles Employee Turned Leaker Tells All

In the too-distant-to-be-relevant wake of the Edward Snowden NSA leak scandal, Department of Motor Vehicles employee Buddy Harcott has come forward to reveal secret information about his own employer. As the only news source that took him up on the offer, SatireV has exclusive coverage of these secrets. 

Race-Blind America Keeps Walking Into Racial Walls, Falling Over Racial Objects

America, which has recently become “race-blind”, has been increasingly struggling to live a sighted life in a world that still seems pervaded by race. 

According to multiple sources, this past week has been particularly rough for race-blind America.

Paranoid Man Trying Desperately to Connect San Francisco Crash and NSA Scandal

Spokane, Washington—Working out of a trailer in the woods a quarter-mile from I-90, 31-year-old Tracey Hopkins frantically attempted to draw a connection between the deadly Boeing 777 crash in San Francisco and the unfolding NSA scandal. Within minutes of hearing about the crash on Twitter, Hopkins had begun to listen in on dozens of HAM radio channels and dig through technology forums in order to find clues.

Small Texas Town Wasn’t Blown Up, Still Would Like Attention

The  town of Roscoe, Texas, announced on Wednesday that, although it did not suffer an enormous fertilizer plant explosion, it still wouldn’t mind a little attention every once in a while.

“I’m not saying we’re a New York City or a Dickinson, but a hello now and then would be nice,” said mayor Brett Calvin, who also serves as the deputy dogcatcher.

NFL Draft Dodgers Flee to Canadian Football League

The NFL draft will begin tonight and continue throughout the weekend as teams enlist college athletes to join their ranks. Many American young men will spend the weekend with phone in hand, dreading the possibility of being drafted. One such athlete is Mark McGoverny, a tight end from Oklahoma State projected in most mock drafts to be selected by the Cardinals with the seventh pick, who says, "Have you seen the guys in the NFL? They're huge. I don't want to go out there and get decked for a team I don't believe in. When I was in college, they couldn't draft me.

Fearing Regulation, Pressure Cooker Sales Spike

After the Boston Marathon incident last week involving bombs fashioned from pressure cookers, millions of domestically-inclined Americans have flocked to shopping malls across the country to buy the an unprecedented amount of pressure cookers, fearing imminent government regulations.

Republican Party Not Racially Diverse, Just Tan

After a wild spring break, which included a cruise to the Dominican Republic, Haiti, and Cuba, the Republican Party has released a statement emphasizing that they “are not more racially diverse—just tan.”

“We all enjoyed a nice recess from Congress,” reads the statement released Thursday, “but someone forgot to pack the sunscreen, and we all experienced the unfortunate effects of a strong Caribbean sun.”

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