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U.S.

Paranoid Man Trying Desperately to Connect San Francisco Crash and NSA Scandal

Spokane, Washington—Working out of a trailer in the woods a quarter-mile from I-90, 31-year-old Tracey Hopkins frantically attempted to draw a connection between the deadly Boeing 777 crash in San Francisco and the unfolding NSA scandal. Within minutes of hearing about the crash on Twitter, Hopkins had begun to listen in on dozens of HAM radio channels and dig through technology forums in order to find clues.

Small Texas Town Wasn’t Blown Up, Still Would Like Attention

The  town of Roscoe, Texas, announced on Wednesday that, although it did not suffer an enormous fertilizer plant explosion, it still wouldn’t mind a little attention every once in a while.

“I’m not saying we’re a New York City or a Dickinson, but a hello now and then would be nice,” said mayor Brett Calvin, who also serves as the deputy dogcatcher.

NFL Draft Dodgers Flee to Canadian Football League

The NFL draft will begin tonight and continue throughout the weekend as teams enlist college athletes to join their ranks. Many American young men will spend the weekend with phone in hand, dreading the possibility of being drafted. One such athlete is Mark McGoverny, a tight end from Oklahoma State projected in most mock drafts to be selected by the Cardinals with the seventh pick, who says, "Have you seen the guys in the NFL? They're huge. I don't want to go out there and get decked for a team I don't believe in. When I was in college, they couldn't draft me.

Fearing Regulation, Pressure Cooker Sales Spike

After the Boston Marathon incident last week involving bombs fashioned from pressure cookers, millions of domestically-inclined Americans have flocked to shopping malls across the country to buy the an unprecedented amount of pressure cookers, fearing imminent government regulations.

Republican Party Not Racially Diverse, Just Tan

After a wild spring break, which included a cruise to the Dominican Republic, Haiti, and Cuba, the Republican Party has released a statement emphasizing that they “are not more racially diverse—just tan.”

“We all enjoyed a nice recess from Congress,” reads the statement released Thursday, “but someone forgot to pack the sunscreen, and we all experienced the unfortunate effects of a strong Caribbean sun.”

Girls Say Snapchat Improves Self-Esteem

In a recent study conducted by biological social linguistic psychologist Fem I. Nine at the University of Pennsylvania, researchers have found a strong correlation between use of the mobile app “Snapchat” and heightened levels of self-esteem among young women.

Study Finds Humans Share More DNA with Lima Beans than Chimpanzees

Rockville, MD — Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute today announced that they had completed the sequencing of the genome of Phaseolus lunatus, better known as the lima bean. Preliminary findings, to be published in the journal Nature next month, seem to indicate that our species shares more genes with the South American legume than with chimpanzees.

Abraham Lincoln Has Been Playing Daniel Day-Lewis For the Past 56 Years

In a press conference following his Best Actor win at the 85th Academy Awards, Abraham Lincoln revealed that he has been playing Daniel Day-Lewis since 1957.  

“Yeah, that whole thing about the theater and the shooting and all that, it was unfortunate, but it had to be done.  I just needed an excuse to get away from my wife.  She was f—king crazy, you know,” said the 16th President of the United States.  “I mean, the ends justified the means, right?  Machiavelli said that, I think.  I’m a big fan of Machiavelli.”

Oprah Comes Out As Illiterate

CHICAGO, IL- Today, revolutionary entertainment mogul Oprah Winfrey revealed her

self-reported “deepest, darkest secret” to a studio audience today during the taping of

her daily afternoon show.

 

“I’m the greatest,” she started off. “I have literally changed the world. I’m super

fucking rich, I have a boyfriend named Steadman (not to mention some Gayle on the

side), I give away cars to menopausal women on a regular basis, and,” she took a

moment of dramatic pause at this point, “I founded and currently run an earth-

Obama Lip-syncs Oath of Office at Inauguration

WASHINGTON, D.C.– News has leaked that 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was in fact lip-syncing to a pre-recorded track during his second inauguration held earlier this month. A source in the White House staff reported that immediately after he left the platform, Obama could be heard “bragging to his bros,” Vice President Joseph Biden and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton, at the urinal about pulling off the stunt.

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