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7-Eleven Wins "Most Robbable" Award

In a recent survey of prison inmates, the 24 hour convenience store 7-Eleven was named most popular to rob, edging CVS for the top spot for the famed "Golden Cash Register" Award.

Respondents cited its convenience, the overall "chill" attitude of workers, and the "sex-appeal" of the 7-Eleven brand. Several respondents added personal comments. One said, "It's not their first time being robbed, they know the drill."

Al Gore Blames Global Warming On Hot Babes

At a recent sustainability talk given to Harvard students, Al Gore stressed the deleterious effect of hot babes on global warming. Said the former VP, "Bodacious babes emanate the same greenhouse gases that ultimately contribute to global warming, and drastic measures need to be initiated at all costs to ensure that these blazing hotties keep their clothes on at all times."

Homeless Man Claims Obama Stole his Message of Change

Though he is popular among voters,
Barack Obama has recently come under blistering attack by area homeless
man Joe Gibbons.


Barack Obama has stolen my message of change,' complained Gibbons
from his favorite Harvard Square hotspot - just outside CVS. 'The fact is, I've been asking for change since I was' hold on a second, HEY LADY! SPARE CHANGE?' Gibbons yelled as he held out his Dunkin' Donuts cup to the most recent customer to exit CVS.

Knicks Fans Blame Isiah Thomas for Mortgage Crisis

Coping with a losing record and a growing home mortgage crisis, New York Knicks fans are blaming head coach Isiah Thomas for their misfortune.

"He can't manage the salary cap, he can't win a game, and he can't even get away with sexual harassment," lamented
one fan. "Clearly, if the mortgage
crisis is anyone's fault, it's his."

Thomas, who has led the team to five straight losing seasons, tried to downplay the accusations of his misconduct.

Hollywood Waiter Out of Work

Two months ago, Tommy Ballard
moved to California to fulfill his dream of waiting tables in Hollywood.
But after applying to every restaurant from La Bella Fica Italiana
to Dougie's Burrito Shack, Ballard
discovered just how hard it is to break into the market.

"It's all about who you know," he laments. "I have an MFA in garnish
studies and napkin origami, but Fred-the-dumbass gets the job because he's the chef's Coca-Cola connection."

Jews Grudgingly Admit, Apocalypto "Pretty Good"

NEW YORK, NY — Despite calls for boycott after Mel Gibson’s drunken
diatribe against the Jews, members of the Jewish community have had to grudgingly admit that Gibson’s “Apocolyptico” was actually pretty good. “I mean, I guess that part where that jaguar fights the guy wasn’t bad,” said lawyer and Jew, Stephen Kofax. “It was a bit violent, over all; I’m no huge fan of gore, but I guess I was entertained
the whole way through.”

No Immigrants Left to Build Immigrant Wall

With a sudden rash of immigrant deportations sweeping Texas, there seems to be no one left to build an immigrant-restrictive wall along the Mexican border.

“Dios mio! Salsa y quesadilla!” said Enrique Carlos Ricardo De La Rosa Santos IV, an illegal Mexican immigrant who was recently deported from the United States. Ironically, Santos IV had been working on the barrier at the time of his deportation.

Commune for Sex Offenders Created in Iowa

No sound is as enticing as that of the ice cream truck in Farmerville, Iowa, home to 7,000 registered child molesters.

A new Iowa state law requires that sex offenders live at least 12,000 feet away from schools. Due to the high concentration of schools in Iowa, 7,000 sex offenders have recently been forced to relocate to Farmerville, a legal
12,000 feet away from any tantalizing
schoolchildren.

Superdelegates Pledge To Use Powers for Good

Amid concerns that the Democratic
presidential nomination could be decided by so-called "superdelegates,"
several of these individuals have pledged to use their powers for good, not evil.

"After receiving the power of teleportation in a lab accident, I swore that I would only use my incredible
gifts for the betterment of mankind," explained Montana Governor
Brian Schweitzer, one of 796 DNC superdelegates.

Kucinich Calls For "More Perfect Union" Between Humans, Elves

In a daring speech that put his political legacy on the line, Congressman
Dennis Kucinich has blown open the long festering debate over human-elf relations.

“For many years I have tried to come to grips with my past,” said a teary-eyed Kucinich. “But I can no more deny my elf heritage than I can deny my white grandmother, who is also an elf.”

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