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Obama Comes Out as Muslim

BURBANK, CA--At an appearance on a daytime talk show to commemorate National Coming Out Day this past Thursday, President Barack Obama finally came out as a Muslim.

“I’ve always struggled trying to define myself,” he explained on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to host Ellen DeGeneres.  “Back in high school, I always got so uncomfortable when my classmates made fun of the one openly Muslim boy.  ‘Should I try to be like them?’ I asked myself.  But, in my heart, I knew that one day I would have to embrace my identity.”

In Latest Gaffe, Romney Knifes Homeless Man

Body of Jimmy Hoffa found in Cemetery

Detroit, MI—nearly 40 years after Teamsters’ Union leader Jimmy Hoffa’s disappearance, Federal investigators have discovered his body buried in a Detroit-area cemetery. Hoffa, who is believed to have been killed in 1975 over a dispute with the mafia about the Teamsters’ Union’s pension fund, was found beneath a granite headstone marked “James Riddle Hoffa”. Investigators are currently investigating the significance of the name for clues on who might have hidden the body in the cemetery, hoping that it will lead them to Hoffa’s killer.

Elmo Vows to Kill Mitt Romney, Disappears

SESAME STREET- Elmo from Sesame Street has gone on the lam after vowing to kill Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Elmo, who was watching the first presidential debate on local aristocrat Count van Count’s TV with several other residents of the street, reportedly flew into a rage when Romney stated that, although he loved Big Bird, he would pull funding from PBS.

Anne Romney: Mitt a "Real Boy"

TAMPA, FL--At the Republican Convenction earlier this month, Anne Romney asserted that her husband, presidential candidate Mitt Romney, was actually “a real boy”. 

Dead Panda Cub Helps Win Emmy For Best Reality TV Series

In a surprise, last-minute nomination by the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (ATAS), the footage titled The Panda Express claims the Emmy for best reality TV series on Sunday night after the tragic death of the newly born giant panda cub at the National Zoo.

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Secret Service takes West Wing Game of "Assassins" Too Seriously

WASHINGTON, DC -- It started innocently enough, when Department of Veterans Affairs intern and Pforzheimer alumna Martha Phillipe ’10 suggested a department-wide game of “Assassins” to liven up the office’s dull social scene. VA bureaucrats seemed to enjoy the game immensely. Secretary Eric Shinseki took notice when a backlog of pension forms developed, but, rather than stop the game, the retired Four-Star General brought the idea of an Executive Branch-wide “Assassins” match to the next Cabinet meeting. Approved by a vote of 21-2, Vice President Joe Biden was appointed judge.

Joseph Kony Wins 2012 Presidential Election

Recount Determines Ear of Corn Wins Iowa Caucus

DES MOINES, IA - The field of Republican hopefuls has changed again.

First Mitt Romney had won Iowa. Then Rick Santorum pulled ahead in a recount. But now a second recount has determined that William F. Cobb, an ear of corn, is the official winner of the state. The home-grown candidate has been the leader of a grassroots movement starchly opposed to the production of alternative fuels, particularly ethanol.

Al Qaeda "Just Not Excited" About Mitt Romney

After Mitt Romney's slight resurgence in the polls last weekend, radical Islamist terrorist group al Qaeda released a statement condemning the candidate for being "too boring for anyone to give a camel shit."

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