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Man Accused of Illegally Snuggling Mexican Immigrants

Arizona state police are pressing charges against Nathan Greers, resident of Tucson, for allegedly approaching Mexican immigrants at random and snuggling them against their will. Greers, who was caught early this morning in an act of first-degree tickling, is accused of forcing non-consensual hugs, Eskimo kisses, and pillow talk onto more than fifty unsuspecting Mexicans since 2011.

Backup Government Up and Running

WASHINGTON, D.C.- Three days after the shutdown of the federal goverment, the United States emergency backup government is at last up and running.

Top 10 Things to Do During Your Government Shutdown Furlough

1. Enjoy watching The West Wing, secure in the knowledge that a coked-up Aaron Sorkin came up with a better version of government than the real one.
 
2. Get a vasectomy.  There's no way you're going to want to bring a kid into this world.
 
3. Get all duked up for the 1st Annual Congressional Game of Marco Polo.
 
4. Call on God.  The number is 547-359-0021.  God will not pick up.  You can leave a message.
 
5. Go apple picking.
 

Family Can't Agree on Pizza Toppings, Shuts Down

San Diego, CA: The Marshall family ceased all non-essential family functions today, following a shut down caused by the family's inability to agree on either a pepperoni or cheese pizza for delivery.

Under the shut down, signing of school permission slips, purchasing of food for the family's cat, trips to Grandma's house, and basic familial love will be suspended indefinitely.

"I'm sick of it," fumed Janet Marshall.  "My husband is pulling the same kind of brinksmanship that led to the family game night fiasco.  He needs stop holding this family hostage."

Shutdown Begins as Congress Fails to Agree on What the Fox Say

U.S. government agencies were ordered to close for the first time in more than 17 years after lawmakers stalemated over Republican efforts to block the Animal Calls Act (ACA).

President Obama's landmark bill - commonly referred to as ObamaCall - provides all American Citizens with the complete and absolute affirmation of the onomatopoetic sound made by or associated with a variety of woodland animals including all of the 12 species of Vulpes genus true foxes.

Colorado on Floods: “Well, It’s Different Than Fire, But I’m Not Sure It’s Better.”

 After weeks of punishing rains, the great state of Colorado has finally had time to reflect on the disastrous floods that have killed at least ten residents. 

George Zimmerman Agrees to Hand Over All Chemical Weapons

A stray remark by Secretary of State John Kerry may prevent further violence in the strife-ridden area of Sanford, Florida. Kerry, in a televised interview, suggested offhandedly that military intervention could be avoided by handing over all chemical weapons to the “international community”, and it appears that Zimmerman may comply.

Fox News Changes Strategy After Reza Aslan Interview

Following a recent television interview with scholar Reza Aslan about his right as a Muslim to write about Jesus Christ despite his four advanced degrees and expertise in religious scholarship, Fox News has released a statement drastically changing their operations plan.

Department of Motor Vehicles Employee Turned Leaker Tells All

In the too-distant-to-be-relevant wake of the Edward Snowden NSA leak scandal, Department of Motor Vehicles employee Buddy Harcott has come forward to reveal secret information about his own employer. As the only news source that took him up on the offer, SatireV has exclusive coverage of these secrets. 

Race-Blind America Keeps Walking Into Racial Walls, Falling Over Racial Objects

America, which has recently become “race-blind”, has been increasingly struggling to live a sighted life in a world that still seems pervaded by race. 

According to multiple sources, this past week has been particularly rough for race-blind America.

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