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US Soldier Looking Forward to Being Sent to Wherever Saudi Arabia Intervenes Next

FORT BRAGG, NC – Gregory Thompson of the 82nd Airborne Division is looking forward to being sent to wherever Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed Bin Salman decides to intervene next.
 
Saudi Arabia, which is fighting against the Houthi rebels in Yemen with US military aid, recently accused both Lebanon and Iran of declaring war on it. American officials are eager to defend the cause of liberty by sending any number of drones, weapons, and boots on the ground to help one of the world's only remaining absolute monarchies.
 

Trump Positions Naval Warships Across from Rosie O'Donnell's House

NEW YORK — After winning bipartisan support for his surprise missile strikes in Syria, President Donald Trump decided to test his newfound political capital by positioning two naval warships across from Rosie O'Donnell's house in Rockland County, NY.
 

Harvard Pit Scene of Latest Battle in Logan Leslie’s “War on Homeless”

It was a bloody scene in the Harvard Square Pit this morning, as Cambridge City Council candidate Logan Leslie put forth a last-ditch campaign effort in his war on the homeless.

  “No, no, no” began Leslie, “it’s not a war on homelessness. I’ve had enough of that namby-pamby bureaucratic shit. What we need now is action.”

 Wiping the blood from his chin with one of the many copies of the Spare Change Newspaper now scattered about The Square, Leslie recounted his battle plan.