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Bummer: God Just Announced One Person Gets to Live Forever, But It's Fucking Tim

God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, just decreed that he would make an exception to the rule that everyone has to die. That sounded totally awesome at first, until it turned out that fucking Tim is the one who gets to live forever. What a bummer! 
 
No other human has ever experienced eternal life until Tim, an absolutely pathetic lowlife who takes lunch at his desk while watching YouTube videos on his phone. Who knows what Tim, who once Googled "is it acceptable to go to the movies alone," will do on Earth until the end of time. Unbelievable!