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Bored Comet Asks If Probe In Yet

Comet 67P, shortly before its less-than-memorable encounter with Philae

Deep Space—Several hours after the Philae spacecraft’s historic landing, sources report that Comet 67P//Churyumov-Gerasimenko is wondering if the probe is in yet. 

At the moment of first contact, according to sources, the comet expressed a desire to “just read a book instead of going to all the trouble,” emphasizing that it was “not really in the mood right now.” 

A brief quarrel then reportedly emerged between the two, with the Philae spacecraft pointing out that it “would be the one initiating the controlled touchdown anyway” and that “my bro Pi [the Pioneer Venus Multiprobe] probed Venus four times in one day. It took me ten freaking years just to get here. All the other spacecraft are landing on celestial bodies, and if I can’t, then Endeavour and Atlantis are gonna start making jokes about how I’d rather be on the end of a Saturn V.”

Reports indicate that Comet 67P admitted that it “was actually pretty sweet” of the spacecraft to make the 4 billion-mile trip all the way out to visit it, eventually agreeing to the landing in return for a shoulder massage.

According to sources, the space probe then sank 1.5 inches into the comet before “developing technical difficulties.” After bouncing on the surface for a full two hours without “firing as planned,” it finally settled a kilometer away from its intended target, quickly reassuring a very icy 67P that this had “never happened before,” and offering to try to land at the target site again in a few minutes.

At press time, Philae reportedly deployed its subsurface probe, deposited its payload a minute or two later, and is now just resting on the irritated comet.

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