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China Fucking Over It

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In a recent interview with SatireV, China stated that it was “over this shit, just like, really over it.” The last few years have been trying for eldest brother China as he deals with his younger siblings (Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands) and their tantrums.

"You know, I fought hard to get Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands from that bastard Japan and his bitch of a new wife, England. I fought because it was important that we be a family again; the foster system does terrible things to a growing nation.”

Somehow both a tear and throbbing vein appeared on China’s sallow, wizened face. The brothers used to live in a “war zone,” as China put it, and taking on the pressure of reuniting them after such a long time living with different foster-parents with other sets of rules can be really complicated. China has already given up on Diaoyu (legally Senkaku) who ran back to father Japan, crying "That strange China man said we were brothers and that he'd give me bubble tea if I got in his van!"  China sighed, a deep rage bubbling beneath the surface. China has tried to ease the transition by giving Taiwan and Hong Kong more personal space, but is having trouble now that that he’s trying to fully integrate them. Even after making them wear matching t-shirts, Taiwan still runs away from China in parking lots screaming "I'm the older brother, you can't tell me what to do!" And now, even the most docile of the brothers, Hong Kong, is starting to make a scene. Reports tell us that Hong Kong calmly questioned Eldest Brother China, eyes welling with the sadness of lost trust.

“You told us we could have democratic elections and McDonald’s when you took us back; why are you breaking your promise?”

Rumors say that China’s only reply was quite harsh. 

“Because I fucking said so! God, why do you always have to question everything I do? I work hard, you know? Next time you talk back I’m going to give you a reason for those tears.”

This seemed a little extreme, so we decided to follow up with China about these alleged statements. In response China told SatireV,

“You have no idea how heartbreaking it is when Hong Kong yells ‘I wish I could go back to England, I hate you!’ and then slams the door. Sometimes I get frustrated, I may not be perfect, but little Hong Kong is not ready yet. He needs his brother more than ever right now, not that dumb plastic bitch.”

It remains unseen whether the string of tantrums from Hong Kong, Taiwan, and Diaoyu will result in meaningful changes for this turbulent home. Hong Kong, once coloni – adopted - by the self-declared ‘milf’ England, seems to be really adamant about the promise of democracy, and who knows what China can do about it. 

Says China in response, “I’m so fucking over these ungrateful brothers. I had to grow up fast, and it just makes me wish that mom had only had one child.”

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