Hopes for an amicable breakup were dashed on Thursday when sources reported the European Union’s determination to hold onto the Elton John CD collection at all costs post-Brexit.
After 24 years together, Britain announced its intention to leave the EU last June. Once the initial shock and hurt of the breakup had passed (as well as a tiny bit of relief that no one would need to hear a cockney accent ever again), the EU moved quickly to lay claim to the sweet songs of the Grammy Award-winning international superstar and king of funky glasses.
“Is there a younger Union in the picture? Whatever, I don’t even care. Don’t tell Britain I asked,” the EU commented. “They can have the One Direction stuff and even the Ed Sheeran, but fuck knows I’m holding onto Sir Elton Hercules. The One Direction CDs don't hold a candle in the wind to Elton."
Detailed negotiations will take place in the next few months as the terms of the split are finalized. The EU has indicated its flexibility on the issues of the settlement, visitation, and even ownership of the cat. The Elton John collection, though, is “non-negotiable.”
Still, the EU expressed best wishes for Britain’s future. “Enjoy your Elton-less existence," it said. "Good luck finding someone else who’s gonna to role-play imperialism with you."