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Lump In Shroud Of Turin "Just A Pack Of Smokes"

TURIN, Italy -- Earlier this week, Roman archaeologists announced the discovery of a pack of cigarettes in the left breast pocket of the Shroud of Turin.

"What we thought was the Gospel according to Jesus is, actually, just a pack of smokes," said archaeologist Claude Rousseau.

The discovery represents a major disappointment for Christian theologians. "We were expecting something meaningful: a book, a message--or at least something classy like Lucky Strikes," said theologian David Miller. "Instead we got a ratty old pack of smokes that are poorly rolled and unfiltered. Apparently, Jesus went willingly to his death in more ways than one."

A slew of recent observations has begun to paint a radically new picture of the Son of God. Due to state-of-the-art digital scans, the King of King's leather biker jacket and rage-clenched fists are now visible in the shroud.

The new angry, bitter, chain-smoking Jesus left one message for theologians. On the cigarette case, He scrawled "Before the cock crows twice, you will deny me three times. But if you deny me once, I will kick you in the cock. Three times."

The discovery of Jesus' cigarettes comes in the wake of other recent discoveries about religious figures. In Iran, excavations appear to have uncovered the Gospel according to Mohammad, which states, "Jesus was okay. But Mohammad is the best."

Perhaps most striking is a discovery in India, where Hindu scholars found a lost Vedic text concerning Ganesha, the multi-armed elephant god, which quotes the deity as saying, "I never lose at tag."

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