This past Friday, it was announced that, following a long battle against humanity, Planet Earth has finally passed away.
Born and raised in the Solar System, the son of the Sun, the Earth was a lifelong fan of nature, National Geographic documentaries, and progressive carbon taxes. Sources close to the Earth say that, in recent years, the Earth felt that it was "just going in circles," and had become resigned to its eventual death.
“We really didn’t see it coming,” said Scott Pruitt, President Trump’s pick to lead the Environmental Protection Agency, despite overwhelming evidence of the environment’s decline in health over the past 150 years. “It’s tragic, but there’s really nothing we could have done,” Pruitt sighed as he shredded a copy of the Paris Agreement and removed the Climate Action Plan from the White House website. “Who would have known that pesticides and greenhouse gases were actually bad for the climate? Crazy, huh? Like, how was I supposed to make that connection?” Pruitt admits that Ernest Moniz, former Secretary of Energy, had warned about the dangers of global warming, but Pruitt had dismissed Moniz as “just another nuclear physicist who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” Pruitt’s environmental policies were instead guided by Rick Perry, whom Pruitt praised as “someone who really knows his stuff.”
“Our deepest condolences to the polar bears,” said Perry. “They’re probably pretty fucked now.”
The Earth’s death comes after American reinvestment in oil and gas, and the construction of new coal plants across the country. “I mean, I know it’s a dying technology, and produces 39 percent of carbon dioxide emissions, but what else were we supposed to do? Invest in infrastructure for renewable energy, like a bunch of Chinese commies?” Pruitt laughed. “C’mon, we had a four percent unemployment rate! We needed to bring back those coal jobs!”
Earth, which passed into oblivion to a chorus of “AMERICA FIRST!” chants, is survived by its wife of 4.53 billion years, the Moon; seven brothers and sisters, including Mars and Venus; and estranged half-sister, Pluto.