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Pope Francis to Ask God Whether Headphones Get Tangled in Heaven

The Vicar of Christ announces his intentions to a gathering of anxious followers.

THE VATICAN – Today Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church, announced that he will consult God on whether headphones get tangled in Heaven.

The Bishop of Rome himself issued a statement to Catholics worldwide in which he said, "For years we, God's children, have been wondering whether our headphones will remain tangled in Heaven. Well, I've been poring over the scripture and thousands of pages of Catholic teachings, and I've found nothing. Total bupkis. I'm going to have to defer to the Man Upstairs on this one."

For years the Church has taught that headphone entanglement is part of the mystery of faith. Although the Church rarely revises its doctrines without gathering an ecumenical council, the pontiff was confident enough in the council's inefficacy that he plans to circumvent the hierarchy altogether.

"If he has a direct line to God, why not use it, right?" said Catholic New Yorker Michael O'Shaughnessy. "I'm really getting into 'S-Town,' so it would be nice to know for sure that podcasting won't be a hassle in the next life."

As of press time, His Holiness had yet to confirm whether you will still receive spam e-mails in in Heaven, but the general assumption is that you do not.

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