NORTH POLE – In an uncharacteristically glum Christmas Eve in the North Pole, Santa Claus admitted that for almost ten years he has been harboring growing doubts about the existence of children.
Santa told reporters at the December 24th press conference, "I've been reluctant to speak my mind on this issue, but I feel the time is right." Among other things, St. Nick revealed that no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.
"Well, for starters, I've never received a child's letter. A few years back I set up an email account [[email protected]], but all I got were ads for penis length enhancers, sites selling cheap Mexican Viagra in bulk, and the occasional letter asking me to send money to a prince in Nigeria."
Santa said that two years ago he began using social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook, which convinced him that adults had been intercepting the childrens’ correspondence.
"I was shocked to learn how many so-called children claimed to have sent me letters. If it weren’t for their tweets, wall posts and status updates, I would not have known what they wanted. Then I did a little research and discovered that the postal service never delivers any of my letters. They just hire a bunch of temps to respond to the childrens' mail on my behalf. I’m pretty sure that constitutes identity theft, but I’m not going to press charges.”
Claus said this incident inspired him to keep researching.
"After that, I just figured the adults were trying to keep the children from bothering me while I worked. Which seems fair enough… I am a busy man after all. But things just didn't add up when I really started looking at them. How could I have been so naive?"
Claus shocked attendees at the press conference by admitting that he's never actually seen a real-life child.
"Nope, never met one. Whenever I get to a house there's not a child in sight. I have run across adults setting out cookies and milk for me. Even worse, I've entered properties and found grown-ups eating my cookies and my milk. Every year I find stockings already stuffed. Last year, I began putting gifts under one family's tree when a 'parent' stopped me. He said, 'Oh thanks Santa, but little Susie doesn't want a doll. She wants an iPhone: we've already taken care of it.' And that's when I figured it out -- that's when I knew. What kid would pass up a toy for a phone? Seriously, how stupid do they think I am? A god damn phone?! How stupid do they think I am?!."
Mr. Claus cut the conference short, having refused to take most questions. He had this to say before withdrawing to the reindeer stables with a half empty bottle of Egg Nog Rubinoff: "I don't know why they [the world's citizens] did this to me... why they lied about children being real for all these centuries. I don’t know what is real anymore... Where do people even come from? Mitosis, I suppose, or maybe they hatch from eggs like ewoks or dinosaurs. How would I know? I was never a child. I have no recollection of being young. Why should others be any different? Frankly I find this whole charade a bit cruel, you know? Maybe they were trying to create a pleasant holiday experience for me -- giving me something to believe in… Perhaps this old fool needs to accept that it's more important to embrace the spirit of what children are meant to represent, even though they don't physically exist. But I truly feel this myth got completely out of hand, and someone owes me a big, fuckin’ apology."
When asked if he would ever trust people again, Santa just pressed the bottle to his lips, wiped away a tear and left the room, plaintively whistling "Blue Christmas" as his sleigh flew off into the night.
