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Studies Show Positive Correlation Between Red Bull and Wings

Researchers in Austria have recently released the results of an extensive Red Bull study. Eighty-seven of one hundred subjects developed wing-like appendages, while all subjects exhibited an unnatural urge to urinate every twenty minutes.
The researchers asserted that they wanted to get to the center of Red Bull's claim of giving consumers wings. "We are merely testing the reliability of the product," said principal investigator Franz Isidor as he dropped a shot of Jagermeister into test subject 42's Red Bull.

U.S. Demands Holland/The Netherlands Make Up Its/Their Goddamned Mind

WASHINGTON, DC -- After an independent study revealed that 9 out of 10 American adults cannot find Holland on a map because they do not know what the hell it's actually called, the United States government has decided to take action by forcing the country to "make up its goddamned mind."

Lump In Shroud Of Turin "Just A Pack Of Smokes"

TURIN, Italy -- Earlier this week, Roman archaeologists announced the discovery of a pack of cigarettes in the left breast pocket of the Shroud of Turin.

"What we thought was the Gospel according to Jesus is, actually, just a pack of smokes," said archaeologist Claude Rousseau.

Revolution Televised in Stunning Digital Picture

With the purchase of his new Panasonic 42" digital television, Fernando Ruiz will see revolution tear his South American nation apart in a stunning digital picture.

"Did you look at those bullets?" asked Ruiz as he beamed intently at his new television. "Let me rewind - see, there, and there - okay that's a lot of bullets, but it's incredible how each one looks like it's really outside my window."

France Surrenders to Ennui

France shocked the world on Sunday when they raised the figurative white flag and surrendered to the ruthless, ever-encroaching, and yet maddeningly abstract forces of ennui.

According to eyewitnesses, French president Jean-Jacques-Nicolas-Francois Hohnhohnhohn emerged from his post-second-breakfast sieste and, his yawn quavering with emotion, made a vague, indifferent, somewhat ambiguous gesture with a white napkin he had tucked into his shirt-front after his last meal.

Bin Laden Sex Tape Receives Mixed Reviews

One Night in Tora Bora, a recently released sex tape featuring Osama bin Laden and several virgins, has received ambivalent reviews from Pentagon officials. “I normally prefer lots of girls on screen at once,” remarked CIA director Mike Hayden, “but it’s very hard to get aroused when they keep their burkas on during sex. Caves aren’t even very well lit in the first place. All I could make out were six sets of eyes and a giant beard. At least Paris’s tape used night-vision--throw me a bone, Osama.”

Bush Ends War on Drugs

VERSAILLES, France -- Not for the first time in history, a major conflict has come to its end in the great Hall of Mirrors at Versailles. Earlier this week, in a media feeding frenzy, George W. Bush sat down and signed an accord ending the long-time war between the United States and drugs. George Clinton signed on behalf of drugs.

Middle East Catches Kurds

This Tuesday, the World Health Organization (WHO) announced that a Kurds pandemic has hit regions in Turkey, Iran, and Iraq. WHO director Dr. Margaret Chen said that the infection most likely started in the third century BCE but was aggravated by the recent introduction of foreign bodies to the area. Kurds can result in a number of health complications including nausea, indigestion, sandy contacts, an infertile crescent, and cries for autonomous statehood.

Kim Jong-Il Finally Receives Entrance Into Nuclear Club

LOS ALAMOS, NM — Years after starting his country’s nuclear program, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has finally joined the exclusive Nuclear Club. Following confirmation of the North Korean nuclear test on October 9th, acting Club Chair George W. Bush officially extended an invitation to the idiosyncratic leader of the newly-nuclear Communist regime, which was quickly accepted by the diminutive dictator.

North Korea Defends Weapons Test

PYONGYANG — An official spokesman for Kim Jong-Il announced this week, “our leader, perfect in all his forms, would like you to know size does not matter.” Speaking at length about North Korea’s recent nuclear weapons test, the spokesman went on, “despite the small stature of North Korea’s offensive
sword, the constant rhythm of our attack will keep our opponent enthralled
for hours and hours.”