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Drew Faust Announces...Wait, I'm Better Than Writing About Final Clubs, Right?

ALEPPO, SYRIA–-Two days ago, Islamist rebels seized the village of Khan Touman, which resulted in 73 deaths and violated the ceasefire in the city of Aleppo recently brokered by the United States and Russia. The battle subsided merely a few hours before the President of Harvard University, Drew Gilpin Faust, issued a statement citing consequences for students participating in unrecognized single-gender social organizations on campus. Wait...no, that's not right.
 

Germany Tired of Doing All the Work on European Project

BRUSSELS -- Today Germany Chancellor Angela Merkel announced that her country was tired of doing the bulk of the work on the European Project, and that she would like to see some other countries take on more responsibilities.
 
"Every time we have a project due, my country ends up doing most of the heavy lifting," said a frustrated Merkel at a press conference. "Maybe for once Greece can get its act together and create the PowerPoint presentation. How are we expected to make the poster and the PowerPoint?"
 

Nation Runs Out of Thoughts and Prayers

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA—In light of today’s terrorist bombings in Brussels, Belgium, Americans have officially run out of thoughts and prayers.

“It seems I’ve used them all,” said despondent Dallas, Texas native Frances O’Sullivan. “After sending so many to Ankara last week and the majority to Paris in November, I found myself unable to send my thoughts and prayers to Brussels via social media today. It just wouldn’t work,” she added, the collective weight of human sorrow visibly weighing her down.

I’m Not As Bad As Global Warming

Dear America,

Please read this. I know you guys don’t like me, but we have to work together. It is widely known that I hate America, but you should know that I love polar bears more. I know I’ve killed a lot of people-- but have you heard that more than 20,000 polar bears have died from climate change? I swear, America, I'm not as bad as global warming.

This Man Now Inexplicably Important

LONDON -- Over the weekend, British Prime Minister David Cameron announced that British citizens would vote this June on whether Great Britain should remain in the European Union. This man-- pictured right here in this article-- became inexplicably important when he announced he would campaign for Britain's exit from the EU, or "Brexit."
 

People of South African Township Delighted That Panthers Are Super Bowl Champions

 
VRYBURG, SOUTH AFRICA - Ecstatic celebrations rang out across the small South African informal settlement of Huhudi late Sunday night, after the news broke that the Carolina Panthers had been crowned champions of the football world.
 

Paris Climate Talks Begin, End, After Tree Planting Ceremony Signals Commitment to Saving Environment

Expressing their desire to tackle climate change seriously, world leaders commenced climate talks in Paris on Sunday with a ceremonial tree planting. Presidents, prime ministers, and ministers of environmental affairs from around the world waved lighters in the air and sang “Colors of the Wind” from the Disney movie Pocahontas, while U.S. President Barack Obama, British Prime Minister David Cameron, and Russian President Vladimir Putin had the honor of putting the sapling in a hole in the ground and patting dirt on its roots.

Iran, U.S. Establish Framework for Splitting Check

Lausanne, Switzerland—After years of contentious negotiations, Iran and the United States, along with five other powers, have established a potential framework for the outline of a possible means of splitting the check after they shared a meal at a D.C.-area Olive Garden.

“This truly has the potential to be a historic day,” said US Secretary of State John Kerry. “After two years, we have decided that we will probably use Venmo, unless the waiter can make change for Iran’s $50 bill.”

From the Satire V Archive: Unwelcome Children Mysteriously Disappear from Vladimir Putin’s Primary School

While perusing its archives, Satire V found the following article in a 1960 edition of the Soviet newspaper Pravda.

On February 27, 1960, children in a Leningrad playground were shocked and horrified when their playmate, Boris Nazarov, disappeared in the middle of the jungle gym.

“One minute he was sliding down the communal slide, and the next minute a grown-up came between us and carried him away,” said his playmate, Anna Dimitriyev, sobbing into her babushka.

West African Governments Consider Ban on Travel from United States

LAGOS, NIGERIA —Citing fears of the measles epidemic that has spread to many American cities, several officials in West Africa have proposed temporarily prohibiting travelers from the United States from entering the country.

“We realize that this is an inconvenience,” said Nigerian president Goodluck Jonathan, who supports a travel ban. “But we must put Nigerians’ safety first.”

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