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Hogwarts Threatens to Relocate to London

Hogsmeade, Scotland—In what has been perhaps the school’s most political move in over a decade, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry released a statement this Wednesday advocating for Scots to vote ‘no’ on today’s independence referendum. “Should the country not wish to die a most painful death,” Headmaster Albus Dumbledore said, “it would do well to remember its place.” Halting words from the usually peace mongering Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot come just before Scots head to the polls to decide who they really are.

‘Last King of Scotland’ Returns to be Actual King of Scotland

Secret intelligence has come out that Forest Whitaker, who played Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in Kevin MacDonald’s “The Last King of Scotland” is now ready to be the actual king of Scotland. The film highlights Idi Amin’s somewhat incredibly weird liking of Scottish royalty and rebellion.

Loch Ness Monster Still Undecided About Scotland Referendum

Loch Ness—Despite an abundance of misleading rumors and myths, the Loch Ness Monster is, indeed, still in the process of deciding whether to vote “Yes” or “No” on the referendum for Scottish independence.

           “I see both sides, I s’pose,” says the lake creature, whose first documented appearance is recorded in the 7th-century manuscript The Life of St. Columba. “Certainly, there’s a compelling argument to be made that Scotland as we know it will lose significant economic viability. On the other hand, though, no one around this loch likes the English.”

Scotland Prepares for Transition to Petrostate

Edinburgh, Scotland—Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, wearing a traditional white thawb and an aqal headdress, addressed the press this morning to discuss his government’s preparations for independence pending the results of the September 18 referendum.

Vladimir Putin Declares National Day of Mourning for Space Geckos

Moscow—Early Monday morning, Russian technicians opened the hatch on the newly-landed Foton M-4 satellite only to find that its cargo had suffered a temperature control failure while in orbit. Several dozen fruit flies appeared unharmed, but the five celebrated geckos involved in an experiment on sex and reproduction in zero gravity appeared to have frozen to death. Russian communities the world over saw an outpouring of grief for the reptilian cosmonauts, and official responses were swift.

Elderly War Criminal Conflicted About Outcome of World Cup Final

Klaus Schicklgruber, 103, of Corrientes, Argentina reportedly felt deeply ambivalent at the news of Germany’s 1-0 victory over Argentina in the 2014 World Cup final yesterday.  

Americans Unsuccessfully Try to Refrain from World Cup Nazi Jokes

Despite promises to refrain, across multiple social media platforms, Americans following the World Cup are finding it difficult not to reference either Nazism or World War II when commenting on Germany's ferocious playing.

Qatari Officials Shop for New Soccer Team in Brazil

As part of its campaign to improve its image since the emergence of corruption allegations around the 2022 World Cup, Qatar, currently ranked 100th, is seeking to create a football team that would actually be capable of qualifying for the tournament.

“Lost Plane” Posters Yield No Results

On March 7, the world and all of us at Satire V were devastated by the information that the Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) lost a Boeing 777 after letting it out of the hangar for its morning run. The 777, named MH370 by its owner, was last spotted leaving the hangar and heading out to the tarmac. At this time, KLIA lost sight of MH370. Any attempts to call MH370 back were fruitless.

NATO Suspends Cooperation with the Russian Government

April 1, 2014

RUSSIA - In response to the continuing reports of Russian troops on the Ukrainian border, NATO has determined that it will suspend “all practical civilian and military cooperation” with Moscow.  The move comes after extended tension between the government of President Vladimir Putin and the West, which has come to a height after Russia’s annexation of the Crimean peninsula in March.  Tensions between Ukrainians and ethnic Russians in the peninsula had been high after the ouster of pro-Russian President Viktor Yanukovych.

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