By former Cambridge Analytica CEO Alexander Nix

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Greetings, dear reader. I’ve been expecting you.

Remember when you wanted to know which character from Friends you would share a toothbrush with? I hope you’re glad to know it was Joey because now we know the future of your country. Nonetheless, in my infinite generosity, I have deigned to offer you dullards a brief breakdown of the Big Five personality traits. If any one of these descriptions sounds suspiciously like you, you won't even have to take the quiz!

In an effort to enrich the lives of aging populations in developing countries, the American Association for Retired People is launching the new Beat Infirmity Non-Governmental Organization (B-I NGO) this spring. 

Primary activities for those receiving aid will include scrabble and underwater aerobics. In hotter countries, AARP will offer supplemental activities, like sitting around and complaining about the weather.

“Get off my lawn!” said one excited new member. “And make that damn dog stop barking!”

LONDON – The British Cabinet, constructed by Prime Minister Theresa May, is now on the verge of collapse.

According to reports the May Cabinet, which had been propped up by the work of many different ministers and advisers, has serious structural issues. "Well first of all, it was built on an shoddy, unelected foundation," said architect Nigel Harrington. "But even though they've since added a democratic upgrade to the structure, I'm still wondering why the thing was built in the first place."

Despite fervent opposition from his daughter Ivanka and his son-in-law Jared Kushner, Donald Trump announced his intention to pull out at a ceremony at the White House Rose Garden earlier today.  Trump also pledged to stop providing stimulus to the other 194 participants that came together at Paris two years ago. Trump’s decision represents the climax of months of friction within Trump’s administration, and is a big victory for chief White House strategist Steve Bannon, who had been putting increasing pressure on Trump to pull out.

THE VATICAN – Today Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church, announced that he will consult God on whether headphones get tangled in Heaven.

The Bishop of Rome himself issued a statement to Catholics worldwide in which he said, "For years we, God's children, have been wondering whether our headphones will remain tangled in Heaven. Well, I've been poring over the scripture and thousands of pages of Catholic teachings, and I've found nothing. Total bupkis. I'm going to have to defer to the Man Upstairs on this one."

In order to distract you from the latest developments in the horrific quagmire that is the Syrian civil war, Satire V has compiled a list of strikes that are not the one happening in Syria:

Hopes for an amicable breakup were dashed on Thursday when sources reported the European Union’s determination to hold onto the Elton John CD collection at all costs post-Brexit.

After 24 years together, Britain announced its intention to leave the EU last June. Once the initial shock and hurt of the breakup had passed (as well as a tiny bit of relief that no one would need to hear a cockney accent ever again), the EU moved quickly to lay claim to the sweet songs of the Grammy Award-winning international superstar and king of funky glasses.