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Benedict XVI to Throw End of Papacy Rager

Following his resignation on February 28th, Pope Benedict the XVI will host a multi-million dollar function, to be known as “The Pope-a-palooza MMXIII,” in celebration of the completion of his pontificate. The event will feature solemn reflection, group prayer, and cake strippers.

Benedict XVI Resigns Over Hitler Youth Hoax

VATICAN CITY—In a shocking turn of events, Pope Benedict XVI has revealed that his resignation is due to a group of cardinals discovering that contrary to his claims, Benedict never served in the Hitler Youth as a boy.

“His Holiness knew that he would never be granted the opportunity to serve as the Servant of the Servants of God without some form of Hitler Youth experience on his record,” said Benedict, who was known as Joseph Ratzinger before his time as Supreme Pontiff. “So His Holiness exaggerated a bit.”

Meteor Actually Russian Space Dog Back for Revenge

According to footage leaked from an emergency meeting of the UN held in New York City this morning, the meteor that was reported to have hit Chelyabinsk, Russia was actually a space capsule piloted by Laika, a Russian dog launched into orbit aboard Sputnik 2 in 1954, in what the New York Times has called "the biggest attempted government cover-up since the accidental vaporization of North Dakota in 1974."

Greek President Insists Sequestration "Not That Bad."

Washington, DC—In a conference call with President Obama, Speaker John Boehner, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Greek President Karolos Papoulias insisted that sequestration wasn't all that bad.  

Papoulias, whose government has seen four Prime Ministers and two government collapses in the past 12 months, explained that slashing a trillion dollars from defense and social spending “wasn’t a big deal”. Greece’s EU-imposed austerity measures have forced it to enact similar policies, and Papoulias told American leaders that the whole experience had been “fun”.

Santa Claus: "I Don't Believe in Children"

NORTH POLE – In an uncharacteristically glum Christmas Eve in the North Pole, Santa Claus admitted that for almost ten years he has been harboring growing doubts about the existence of children.

 Santa told reporters at the December 24th press conference, "I've been reluctant to speak my mind on this issue, but I feel the time is right." Among other things, St. Nick revealed that no postal agency has ever delivered a single piece of mail to the North Pole.

Ancient Papyrus Reveals Last Supper Actually Brunch

A newly recovered scroll sheds new light on Jesus Christ’s final meal on Earth, indicating that it was not the dinner described in the New Testament, but rather a hastily thrown-together Sunday brunch with his Apostles following a night of heavy drinking. The source of the Gospel is believed by historians to be Chad the Younger, Jesus’ former frat brother from the Galilee chapter of Alpha-Omega.
 

Pakistan Intelligence Chief Caught in Compromising Position with Head of Taliban

Lieutenant-General Zaheer ul-Islam, the director of Pakistan’s Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), was yesterday discovered in a compromising position in his home in Islamabad with Mullah Mohammed Omar, the spiritual leader of the Taliban. The incident puts additional pressure on the Pakistani government, and in particular, on the ISI, which has been accused in the past of having links with terrorist groups in the region.

Syrian Civil War Stops

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—In a development that baffled international observers, the ongoing conflict between Ba’ath Party loyalists and the rebel Syrian National Council stopped suddenly at 12 a.m. ET on October 22, 2012. The war, which has so far claimed tens of thousands of civilian lives, was expected to continue as normal this week, given the absence of ceasefire negotiations between embattled president Bashar al-Assad and the rebel coalition.

Ex-Lovers China and Japan Child Custody Dispute Turns Ugly

After a nasty break up in 1937, they’re at it again. We all remember the notorious comment from the early 1600s when Dutch paparazzi asked Japan its relationship status with China and received the terse: “I’m really not that into China.  She’s really self centered. I’m definitely not making anything official.”

After years of toughing it out, in 1937 they made People magazine's list of worst breakups in history, just below the Goslings and just above Spears and Federline.

Inspired by Recent Presidential Debates, North Korea Holds First Ever Supreme Leader Debates

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA –- In last evening’s debate between benevolent and just Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un and short, ugly man who picks his nose, North Korea proved to the world that it is better at everything, even democracy, than any other kingdom.  

Beautiful, respected Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un made all the good points, and short, ugly man who farts when he talks made none of them.

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