and entering

I Did Other Stuff Too, You Know

I'm just a man who enjoys the simple things in life. Get your mind out of the gutter!

by Oedipus

First, let’s get something out of the way. Yes, I am that Oedipus. The one who accidentally killed his dad and had sex with his mom. Emphasis on accidentally. Now I know that the whole mom-sex incident is my “thing” nowadays---you hear “Oedipus” and you think “boned his mother”---and I get that. I mean, if Sophocles hadn’t written an entire play about it (creepy much?) and that asshole Freud hadn’t named a fucking complex after me, then maybe doing it with my lifegiver wouldn’t be my claim to fame, but unfortunately you can’t change the past. I’ve become the symbol of mother-son copulation. 

But I ask you, dear reader: Don’t you think that’s a bit unfair? I’m sure lots of people have probably done it with their mothers. It probably happens all the time, right? So why single me out? Because I actually owned up to it? That sure doesn’t sound right to me. Especially since sleeping with my mom is just one piece of the intricate puzzle that is Oedipus. I did lots of other stuff, too.

For one, if any of you had cared to ask, I could’ve told you that I’ve self-produced two full-length albums on the cutting edge of experimental, jazz-infused nü-metal (check out my SoundCloud if you’re interested). I could’ve told you about the poetry book I wrote that’s being adapted into a Broadway play. But alas, instead my artistic achievements have been overshadowed by my sex life. It’s a sad world we’re living in. 

I recognize that if it weren’t for my mother/wife mixup, no one would know who I am, and I am grateful for the recognition it has brought me, but that doesn’t mean it has to define me. Ariana Grande became famous for acting in a Nickelodeon show, and now she’s a record-breaking pop star. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson started off in pro wrestling, and now he’s in every action movie ever. Lots of people take their career in a different direction. Why should I be any different?

And for the record, you won’t hear it from the haters, but I was a great king. The people of Thebes thrived under my leadership, ignoring that one time a plague fell on the whole kingdom because I killed the previous king who was also my dad. And even then, at least they could die to the sweet sound of experimental, jazz-infused nü-metal. I was also an excellent father. I took care of my kids with love and patience, even after I found out they were the horrific product of incest. And I never had sex with any of them! But you didn’t learn about any of that in your high school English class, did you.

When I first found out I had killed my father and married my mother, I did what any sensible person would do: I gouged my eyes out in shame, wandered the land, and moved on. It’s time you all move on too.

© 2020