SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

How to Protect Your Home From: BURGLARS

1. Make your home look occupied - hire a bunch of people to hang out in your house all day while you're at work. You can find these people for cheap on the streets.
2. Don't make your home inviting. Some burglars watch TV, eat, even nap while they work. Make sure to keep absolutely no sources of entertainment,
food, or beds in your home.
3. Look at your home from the perspective of a burglar. Hang out in a tree or something until you see someone who looks like he could be a burglar. Then jump on his shoulders. You'll see the world in a way that a burglar who has been diagnosed with gigantism might.
4. If you ever have to fight a burglar, do it on a balcony and then push him off afterwards, because it'll look awesome.
5. Be sure to get rid of all "welcome burglars" signs. Burglars don't have to look long before they discover any. If you're serious about protecting your home, you'll put these signs in your neighbors' yards whenever they go on vacation.
6. Report any suspicious activity to the police. When a policeman shows up to investigate, call the cops on him too, just to make sure that it's really a policeman and not some sort of clever thief.
7. Prevent easy entrance to your home. Seal your windows every night with cement. In the morning, bust through them. The resulting shards of glass will fall on any unsuspecting person caught below, and that person might be a burglar.
8. The most important thing to remember is that light and noise are a burglar's main weaknesses, besides being set on fire or getting stabbed.
© 2008
Category: