My name is Britney. And, well, I wouldn’t call myself a hero, but I would call myself an ally. 

Pride month is upon us, so I’m taking a stand to support my bestie slay queens in the gay community (they love when I call them that!). For example, last week I protested for two hours outside a bottomless mimosa brunch. My friend Brian is a bottom, and I don’t think it’s fair that he or any bottom be denied the American right to brunch. I even asked my politician daddy to write a bill banning bottomless brunch statewide!

You know who else I’ve helped? Bears! My other friend Brian is a bear and in solidarity with his sexual preference, I didn’t buy any bear spray before going on the yearly camping retreat with my Evangelical church group. Things got a little dicey when a real bear showed up, but thankfully my husband always keeps his handy crossbow, grenades, and dude wipes in the truck to take care of wildlife problems. My hubby, what a guy!

I think we allies should get a little recognition for all that we do every pride month. Maybe just a few days or a week or two! Definitely a Friday and Saturday night, so we can party it up in the queer clubs with you all. I had my bachelorette party at one last June, and it was SOOOOO FUN! Sorry my sister punched that girl who asked if I wanted a drink, you know me and my girls go cray cray!

In short, I hope everyone will take the time to thank us allies: the true heroes of pride month.

P.S. My dad found out I went to a drag show last weekend so if some article comes out accusing the local gay bar of hoarding medieval weapons and putting micro plastics in tequila shots, he’s just in one of his moods. Toodles!