LONDON, UK — After Theresa May’s announcement to the British people that she will hold a snap general election in June 2017, sources indicate Turkish President Recep Erdogan has reached out to the British Prime Minister for guidance on how to more effectively consolidate his power and control over Turkey.
Hopes for an amicable breakup were dashed on Thursday when sources reported the European Union’s determination to hold onto the Elton John CD collection at all costs post-Brexit.
After 24 years together, Britain announced its intention to leave the EU last June. Once the initial shock and hurt of the breakup had passed (as well as a tiny bit of relief that no one would need to hear a cockney accent ever again), the EU moved quickly to lay claim to the sweet songs of the Grammy Award-winning international superstar and king of funky glasses.
LONDON, UK (NOT BLOODY BRUSSELS) — After Britain formally triggered Article 50 and initiated the legal process of leaving the European Union, witnesses have confirmed that former UKIP leader Nigel Farage spontaneously burst into purple and yellow flames, before ceasing to exist.
RadioShack announced yesterday that it will close 187 stores, meaning both radios and shacks will outlive it.
The company has been around for 96 years, having spent the last 95 slowly dying. Radio has thrived for 122 years, having been a platform for the likes of Larry King and Ira Glass. Shacks have existed for the last 400,000 years, providing invaluable shelter to the entire human race.
MOSCOW – In a newly declassified report, the CIA has revealed that it successfully recruited the microwave of Sergey Naryshkin as a counterspy.
Mr Naryshkin, Vladimir Putin’s head security advisor, was apparently unaware of these efforts. The microwave, referred to by the codename "Maytag," perpetrated several successful deep-cover surveillance operations, before being inadvertently exposed by White House Counsel Kellyanne Conway.
NEW YORK, NY – At a clandestine meeting in their Manhattan penthouse headquarters, members of a secret cabal working towards total control of global political and financial systems were puzzled at how easy it was to manipulate the majority of the world’s population into unwittingly aiding the group’s wicked machinations.
MELBOURNE - For the first time in years, the two best men’s tennis players of all time battled it out in a final: Roger Federer defeated Rafael Nadal at the Old Timers’ 30-and-up USTA 5.0 Circuit Championship.
This past Friday, it was announced that, following a long battle against humanity, Planet Earth has finally passed away.
Born and raised in the Solar System, the son of the Sun, the Earth was a lifelong fan of nature, National Geographic documentaries, and progressive carbon taxes. Sources close to the Earth say that, in recent years, the Earth felt that it was "just going in circles," and had become resigned to its eventual death.
Let me paint you a picture. I’m going for my bi-monthly afternoon jog when suddenly, it’s pitch black. I’m disoriented, and I accidentally run off the road into a rose bush. I’m stuck there for three hours. All because the sun decided it was "cool" to set before dinnertime. Why the fuck do we even have a sun if it’s just gonna drop like a sack of potatoes at 4pm?