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British Cabinet on Verge of Collapse

LONDON – The British Cabinet, constructed by Prime Minister Theresa May, is now on the verge of collapse.

According to reports the May Cabinet, which had been propped up by the work of many different ministers and advisers, has serious structural issues. "Well first of all, it was built on an shoddy, unelected foundation," said architect Nigel Harrington. "But even though they've since added a democratic upgrade to the structure, I'm still wondering why the thing was built in the first place."

US Soldier Looking Forward to Being Sent to Wherever Saudi Arabia Intervenes Next

FORT BRAGG, NC – Gregory Thompson of the 82nd Airborne Division is looking forward to being sent to wherever Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed Bin Salman decides to intervene next.
 
Saudi Arabia, which is fighting against the Houthi rebels in Yemen with US military aid, recently accused both Lebanon and Iran of declaring war on it. American officials are eager to defend the cause of liberty by sending any number of drones, weapons, and boots on the ground to help one of the world's only remaining absolute monarchies.
 

Annual Meeting of Victors Convene to Write History

CLEVELAND, OHIO — Continuing a time-honored tradition that has lasted since the formation of civilization in 4000 BC, millions of Victors from around the world flocked to Cleveland this past week to undertake the annual task of writing history.
 

Trump Pulls Out, Leaving World in Sticky Situation

Despite fervent opposition from his daughter Ivanka and his son-in-law Jared Kushner, Donald Trump announced his intention to pull out at a ceremony at the White House Rose Garden earlier today.  Trump also pledged to stop providing stimulus to the other 194 participants that came together at Paris two years ago. Trump’s decision represents the climax of months of friction within Trump’s administration, and is a big victory for chief White House strategist Steve Bannon, who had been putting increasing pressure on Trump to pull out.

Pope Francis to Ask God Whether Headphones Get Tangled in Heaven

THE VATICAN – Today Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church, announced that he will consult God on whether headphones get tangled in Heaven.

The Bishop of Rome himself issued a statement to Catholics worldwide in which he said, "For years we, God's children, have been wondering whether our headphones will remain tangled in Heaven. Well, I've been poring over the scripture and thousands of pages of Catholic teachings, and I've found nothing. Total bupkis. I'm going to have to defer to the Man Upstairs on this one."

President Erdogan Seeks Advice From Theresa May On How To Consolidate Power

LONDON, UK — After Theresa May’s announcement to the British people that she will hold a snap general election in June 2017, sources indicate Turkish President Recep Erdogan has reached out to the British Prime Minister for guidance on how to more effectively consolidate his power and control over Turkey.
 

List: Strikes That Are Not the One Happening In Syria

In order to distract you from the latest developments in the horrific quagmire that is the Syrian civil war, Satire V has compiled a list of strikes that are not the one happening in Syria:

EU to Britain: I’m Keeping the Elton John CD Collection

Hopes for an amicable breakup were dashed on Thursday when sources reported the European Union’s determination to hold onto the Elton John CD collection at all costs post-Brexit.

After 24 years together, Britain announced its intention to leave the EU last June. Once the initial shock and hurt of the breakup had passed (as well as a tiny bit of relief that no one would need to hear a cockney accent ever again), the EU moved quickly to lay claim to the sweet songs of the Grammy Award-winning international superstar and king of funky glasses.

Former UKIP Leader Nigel Farage Abruptly Dematerializes After Article 50 Triggered

LONDON, UK (NOT BLOODY BRUSSELS) — After Britain formally triggered Article 50 and initiated the legal process of leaving the European Union, witnesses have confirmed that former UKIP leader Nigel Farage spontaneously burst into purple and yellow flames, before ceasing to exist.
 

RadioShack Outlasted by Both Radios and Shacks

RadioShack announced yesterday that it will close 187 stores, meaning both radios and shacks will outlive it.

The company has been around for 96 years, having spent the last 95 slowly dying. Radio has thrived for 122 years, having been a platform for the likes of Larry King and Ira Glass. Shacks have existed for the last 400,000 years, providing invaluable shelter to the entire human race.

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