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Prince Harry and Meghan’s Unborn Child Already Planning Gruesome Murders of Entire Family for Power

pregnant belly

LONDON- Prince Harry and Duchess Megan’s unborn child is already planning to murder the entire family in order to gain access to the crown. Extensive investigative reporting found plans to first take out the Queen, then slowly machete off each royal family member in line for the throne. 

BREAKING: Queen Elizabeth II's Crown Juuls Stolen

Crown Juuls

LONDON, ENGLAND—In a scandal that is paralyzing Great Britain, Queen Elizabeth II's most valuable artifacts, the Crown Juuls, were stolen early Friday morning from their glass case in the Tower of London.

Valued at three billion dollars—or approximately 750 million Cool Cucumber Pods—this crime represents a serious loss for the British people. The security guard watching over the room blamed “lightheadedness,” noting that the Juuls were gone in a puff of smoke.

Korean Peace Talks Mean Your Dumb Ass Has to Read the News for Once

newspaper

SUNNYVILLE, FL — In a shocking turn of events, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and South Korean president Moon Jae-in started historic talks on the road to reunification and denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. While this is a big win for the 76.5 million people on the peninsula, this is a big loss for you: You dumb ass actually has to read the news for once.

Britain Accepts Clair Foy as Queen Until Charles Passes Because Fuck That Guy

Claire Foy
LONDON—Britain collectively agreed this week to pass the crown onto Clair Foy until Prince Charles passes.
 
Foy, who portrayed Queen Elizabeth II in the hit Netflix series The Crown, was one of many candidates for the role. Others included anyone who had ever appeared on The Great British Baking Show, Prince William and Duchess Kate's unborn third child, and just about any bloke on the street who did not treat Princess Diana so poorly.
 

Flat Earth Society Unable to Refute Theory that Earth Is Actually One of God’s Balls

MOREHEAD, NC — The Flat Earth Society came under fire on Tuesday when it could not disprove that the earth is actually one of God's balls.

A new theory about the divine origin of earth's roundness was published in the April edition of Planets: Educational Network for Interspace Systems. Asked for comment, Anita Thompson, the head of the Flat Earth Society’s PR team, stated, “The Flat Earth Society has long suspected that the earth is part of God’s genitalia, but we had assumed that it was a flatter portion of the reproductive organs, such as the skin of the scrotum.”

Breaking: Elon Musk Lands First Rocket on Rocket

Elon Musk on a Rocket

EARTH—In humanity’s latest effort to spit in the face of its creator, tech deity Elon Musk and space exploration firm Space X landed the first rocket on a rocket today.

“I’m tellin’ you guys, this is fucking dope,” said Musk, “The future of space travel requires a big, big rocket that can shoot up fucking high as shit into the heavens and then blast back down and land on another big, big rocket! Ohhhhhhhh yeah!”

Experts are saying this is the most significant achievement in the pa—

Breaking: Musk Lands First Rocket Rocket on a Rocket Rocket

Big Doodle Knows Where You Are, When You’re Free

Doodle Poll

ZURICH, SWITZERLAND—In a press conference this Saturday, CEO Lior Yavor announced that Doodle®, the company that makes the popular web application Doodle Poll, has extensive information about where you are and what extracurriculars you have time for. 

What Your Big Five Personality Traits Say About You!

alexander nix

By former Cambridge Analytica CEO Alexander Nix

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Greetings, dear reader. I’ve been expecting you.

Remember when you wanted to know which character from Friends you would share a toothbrush with? I hope you’re glad to know it was Joey because now we know the future of your country. Nonetheless, in my infinite generosity, I have deigned to offer you dullards a brief breakdown of the Big Five personality traits. If any one of these descriptions sounds suspiciously like you, you won't even have to take the quiz!

AARP to Promote Leisure Activities in Developing Countries with New B-I NGO

old people

In an effort to enrich the lives of aging populations in developing countries, the American Association for Retired People is launching the new Beat Infirmity Non-Governmental Organization (B-I NGO) this spring. 

Primary activities for those receiving aid will include scrabble and underwater aerobics. In hotter countries, AARP will offer supplemental activities, like sitting around and complaining about the weather.

“Get off my lawn!” said one excited new member. “And make that damn dog stop barking!”

British Cabinet on Verge of Collapse

LONDON – The British Cabinet, constructed by Prime Minister Theresa May, is now on the verge of collapse.

According to reports the May Cabinet, which had been propped up by the work of many different ministers and advisers, has serious structural issues. "Well first of all, it was built on an shoddy, unelected foundation," said architect Nigel Harrington. "But even though they've since added a democratic upgrade to the structure, I'm still wondering why the thing was built in the first place."

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