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I Am Excited to Announce

I am excited to announce how humbled I am to be making this announcement. The announcement that I am excited to announce has been a long time in the making, and I am so excited to finally be able to announce it. It is announcements like this one that make me so excited to make announcements.

Freshman Shuts Down Nonprofit He Founded To Get Into Harvard In Record Time

Nothing to see here

Reports surfaced on Thursday that Alex R. Watson ’20 has shut down the 501(c)(3) organization that he founded to get into Harvard. Kids Tackling Chlamydia, which Watson begrudgingly started as a last-ditch resume-saver in December 2015, will no longer offer the STD prevention classes to underprivileged preschoolers in Slovakia that it supposedly used to offer. 

Does This Really Surprise You?

By the Delphic Club

The Delphic Club was saddened to hear that news broke this morning that graduate members of the Delphic had hired strippers for a punch event in October 2010. We deeply regret that the story has circulated around campus, hitting number one on The Crimson’s most read list.

CEB Announces 'Who' Will Headline Yardfest

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After months of student demands to the Harvard College Events Board, “The Who” will headline this year’s Yardfest, according to an official announcement made by the CEB Monday evening. 

Visitas Hosts Practice Lying in Mirror

Cambridge, MA—Citing encouragement from the college at large, many hosts of the newly admitted class of 2021 have started preparations for the baldfaced lying they will do during the course of the weekend. “Every year on campus we try to look for the most competent and welcoming hosts for our new students,” said Director of Visitas Tim Smith, ’08 in an interview, “and one of the most essential skills a Visitas host can have is to be able to shamelessly lie about student life at Harvard”.

You Want MORE Resources For First-Gen Students?

By Master Rakesh Bumble, Beadle of Harvard College
 

Cabot Library Guards to Check Pita Pockets, Too

THE SCIENCE CENTER — Cabot library Securitas guards will now check students’ pita pockets as they exit, Harvard revealed Tuesday.

The university had already announced the arrival of Clover to the partially-renovated Cabot Science Library, and the local chain restaurant specializes in vegetarian sandwiches and sides that are often made with pita pockets.

Buddy, That's Cruddy: Dining Hall Striptease

Here at Harvard, we’re all stressed out and in need of time to relax. And we get it, everyone does striptease in the dining hall from time to time. But it seems like a day doesn’t go by without someone barging in on our lunches with a striptease that’s downright disrespectful. (#thestruggleisreal) Next time, make sure you’re aware of the people you might be disturbing. We here at Satire V have some striptease etiquette tips for some of our cruddier classmates:

Playing sexy music too loud

HUDS Opens New BoardPlus Location Behind Elaborate Obstacle Course

Cambridge, MA — Harvard University Dining Services recently announced the opening of a new BoardPlus café, conveniently located behind an elaborate obstacle course.

Area Roommate Tired of Having to Pretend He Wasn’t Crying 20 Seconds Ago

On Friday, Alex Zheng '20 was interrupted during his weekly emotional catharsis when roommate, Jacob Pearson '20, returned from his Ec10b section early.

“It was realty frustrating,” Zheng said. “I’ve had to reschedule my weekly cry four times now because Jacob is apparently incapable of keeping track of time.”

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