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Despair, Sinners: Purgatory Is Actually Room L166 in the IOP

When you die, you will wake up in room L166 in the Institute of Politics. You will not be happy. You will not be sad. You will just be in L166. You will not be seated at the table because your section ran late. Sections always run late in the afterlife.

L116 is, in fact, purgatory. You will be trapped there for several hundred centuries before God determines your eternal fate.

Self-Care Win! This Student Took a Nap After a Long Day of Accomplishing Nothing

In a bold move in support of mental health, Mather senior Thomas Seeber awoke at 11:15 a.m. on Saturday only to go back to sleep 3.5 hours later. Given his lack of commitments for the day, Seeber decided that the best use of his time would be to elongate the period during which he was unconscious.

“I just got up, scrolled through Facebook for a while, went to the dhall for some brunch, and went back to bed,” Seeber said. “You’d be surprised how exhausted you can get after such a short period of time.”

Desperate Senior Girl Decides Sophomores Who Took Gap Years Are Probably Fair Game

Anna H. Smith, a senior in Currier, decided on Sunday that sophomores who took gap years are probably fair game.

“Hey, look, I don’t feel great about this,” Smith said defensively. “It’s just that I already know everyone in my grade, and they are literally all dumpster fires, so I have to get creative.”

Turkey Club Inducts Inaugural Punch Class

CAMBRIDGE, MA —The Turkey Club, Harvard's newest and most feather-ridden final club, inducted its first punch class over the weekend.
 
The Club, affectionately known as "The Gobb" and located in the general vicinity of Plympton Street, sprung up this fall in response to a growing number of turkeys who have literally nothing to do.
 

Report: Most Shameful Moment of Life Telling HUDS Worker You Broke Dish

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study released by Harvard psychologists indicates that telling a HUDS worker that you broke a dish is unequivocally the most shameful moment of your life.
 
The study, published in Nature, confirms the basic instincts of just about every student who has ever dropped a plate and had to inform a busy dining hall worker that they have to sweep up broken glass in addition to doing their regular job.
 

Displaced Winthrop Rats to be Employed at New Winthrop Grille

Rats in the kitchen
CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the newly renovated Winthrop House prepares to open its brand-new Winthrop Grille and Cafe, the House announced that rats displaced by Winthrop's renovation will be staffing it.
 
The Displaced Rodents Re-Employment Initiative, a new program spearheaded by Resident Dean Linda Chavers, seeks to employ the rats and retrain them in the culinary arts.
 

Harvard to Accept Less Fresh Men to Class of 2022

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Strategizing Turkeys

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped under a pile of strategizing turkeys. 

Fickle Hand of Fate David Malan Giveth Stress Balls, Taketh Away Free Time

Cambridge, MA—Aching with the power bestowed upon him by divine right, CS50 professor David Malan, 37, announced on Friday that his capricious will knows no master.  

“You see this mug?” Malan asked, brandishing the CS50 branded container before the mewling crowd in Sanders Theater. "This means nothing to me,” he added, before smashing the mug into the floor. “You there, in the front” Malan said, addressing a member of the audience. "You no longer have to go to section, but you’re now taking this class for a letter grade.”

Seniors Select Class Marshalls, Location #1374 in Plano, TX

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After two rounds of voting, the class of 2018 has officially selected their class Marshalls, the Harvard Alumni Association announced on Wednesday.

Thirty-six branches of the affordable, middle class department store jockeyed for collective ownership by Harvard’s senior class this year. Winners were selected based on criteria such as general popularity, commitment to the Harvard community, and density of middle school students in need of affordable ballet flats for their recital in the surrounding area. 

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