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Harvard

Going Green: Clover Replaces Paper Napkins with Single Communal Handkerchief

CAMBRIDGE, MA –- Last week, in a new initiative to combat climate change, health-food magnate and Clover CEO Jeff Henderson substituted the company’s entire supply of single-use napkins with one handkerchief. “Do you know the number of trees we’re saving?” Henderson poses. “Seriously, how many? I haven’t done the math yet – but I’m sure it’s a lot.” Clover’s “science guy” assured us that it is indeed a lot.

My Last Joy in This Hellhole Is Stealing People’s Grill Orders

By a Former High School Valedictorian, Varsity Athlete, and Number One Hottie

Until about a month ago, Harvard felt like such a hellhole. In high school, I was the undisputed alpha. The top dog. The head honcho. So when I came to Harvard, I was flabbergasted when people somehow started beating me in things and – dare I say it – I became insecure about my sweet, well-manicured abilities. That is, until I discovered a new extracurricular that could serve as my path to redemption.

Facebook “Primed and Ready” to Hire All Students that Fail GENED1058: Tech Ethics

tech ethics

MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook is turning to alternative recruitment techniques to keep its ranks filled with talent amidst techlash and ethical controversies.

The company’s global head of recruitment, Miranda Kalinowski, details their new campaign in a Facebook post, which appears to be just a screenshot of a Tweet: “Here at Facebook, we realize that grades don’t matter, which is why we are primed and ready to hire any and all students that fail Tech Ethics.”

Water Polo Team Rescued From Straws Stuck in Their Noses

The New England Aquarium’s Marine Animal Rescue Program received a distress call Tuesday when a school of water polo players were spotted suffering from straws stuck in their noses and other entangling plastic. The rescue operation, initiated by a family enjoying a day trip to Blodgett Estuary, was a success, but a grim reminder of how wanton plastic consumption can destroy the lives of our precious, precious marine life.

Naked and Afraid: Confused TF Mistakes Grad Student Strike for Grad Student Streak

Day 1 of the Graduate Student strike in Harvard Yard

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Earlier this month, the Harvard Graduate Student Union-United Auto Workers planned a strike to take place on December 3rd, 2019. However, local graduate student David Johnson was utterly shocked when he showed up to the strike nude, having misread “strike” as “streak” in all of the emails he had received.

Yeah, But Underwater Football Would Be Pretty Cool

Larry Bacow

by Larry Bacow

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Our campus has long been host to lively debates around the most pressing social issues of our time. Indeed, we are proud that our students engage freely in the exchange of ideas. On Saturday, hundreds of protesters rushed the field of the annual Harvard-Yale game to demand that we divest our endowments from the fossil fuel industry. 

Though I recognize their bravery, I cannot help but ask: Wouldn’t underwater football be like, so bitching?

Hey It’s Been A While But Can I Sleep On Your Floor?

“Is it Quid-Pro-Quo if My Hot TF Is On Strike?”: A Legal Analysis

As the Harvard Graduate Students Union escalates towards calling a strike of its workers, our legal team has gotten dozens of questions regarding the ramifications a possible strike would have on the sexual relations between undergraduate students and the student workers who lead their classes.

Thank Me, Urchin, For My Charity

By: Your Financial Aid Donor

Hello Poor,  

It is I, the magnanimous benefactor upon whom your attendance at this university depends. The leaves have fallen, my family and servants are moving into our November estate, and we have once again reached that stage of the semester where you, my plucky and fate-favored ward, are encouraged to wash my holy feet with tears of gratitude. 

Jess & PusFace for A Cleaner UC

We are so excited to announce the winner of the UC Presidential Election: Jess & PusFace! Thank you to all who voted, and we look forward to the much-needed change these two will bring to our campus.

1. Wasted Funds. Reallocate the $200 student activities fee from all undergraduate students to cover PusFace's intensive medical care. 

2. Community & Immunity. Create a Multi-Coagulate Center for the mingling of biles to boost campus immunity.

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