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Freshman on Bumble Swipes Right for the Final Club Medal

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last Wednesday, freshman Michelle T. Smith '21 was swiping through potential suitors on Bumble when she came across Alex, a 5'11" junior at Harvard who “enjoys swimming, biking, and maybe one day you ;)”

Another Eccentric White Man Initiated into the Lampoon

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Yet another eccentric white man was initiated into the Harvard Lampoon this weekend, bringing the total number of brooding, fair-skinned males in the humor publication to Too Fucking Many.

Could We Have a Rivalry, Too? Please?

Hi Harvard! It’s Princeton. Remember us? We’re that school that you applied regular decision to. We admitted you! You were excited, but you’d already gotten into Harvard early action, so you were only kind of excited. 

Everything we hear nowadays is “Harvard-Yale” this and “Harvard-Yale” that, and we’ve been feeling a little left out recently. We hate to bother you, but could we have a rivalry, too? Please?

Outsider UC Ticket Commands Final Clubs To “Go Forth, Multiply, and Replenish the Campus”

Delphic Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

The Emptiness Inside of Me Can Only Be Filled by Lukewarm Leftovers in the D-Hall

Freshman Smited After Sparknotes-ing the Bible for Hum 10

On Friday, God threw a bolt of lightning from the heavens and obliterated Bethany A. Silber ’21 as punishment for Sparknotes-ing the Bible for her Humanities Colloquium class.

An ominous voice boomed from the sky moments before Silber was struck as she left Lionel for section. Mower resident Devin P. Hamilton ’21 recalls, “When I first heard the voice, I thought someone was just playing Morgan Freeman’s scenes from Bruce Almighty, but then I realized that it was actually coming from the clouds.”

17 Important Issues No UC Candidate is Talking About

UC Logo

The UC presidential election is in full swing, but not every important issue is being addressed. Satire V has compiled a definitive list of 17 issues that no UC candidate is talking about:

1) The female orgasm

2) How to get a new napkin out of the dispenser when it’s really filled to the brim

3) Why Jessica won’t answer my calls

4) Why you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway

5) Why?

6) The fact that Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999-2002) was basically Saw for children

QUIZ: Is He Smart, or Just Systematically Advantaged Because of His Socioeconomic Status?

 

How would you describe him?

a)     Determined, attentive, resourceful
b)    “Well-read,” a phrase that has no class connotations at all

What’s his parents highest level of education?

a)    High school or some college
b)    They both have PhDs and can recommend Murakami when he doesn't know what to read next

How did he spend his childhood?

PETA Condemns Students Punching the Owl

An owl getting punched.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Responding to recent controversy on the university’s campus, animal rights advocacy organization PETA publicly condemned Harvard students for punching the Owl.
 

Area Man Disappointed to Discover Lies Feminist Tell Event Isn't Just List of Times Women Have Told Him They're Not Interested

Local man Matthew Jackson, 22, was reportedly disappointed to discover “Lies Feminists Tell” event was not just a list of all the times women have told him they’re not interested.

When he originally heard of the event, he decided that the title alone was enough to pique his interest. “I’ve always known these so-called feminists weren’t telling me the whole truth,” he disclosed. “Now I can finally get proof that when Emma said she ‘just didn’t see me in a romantic way,’ and ‘was too busy with classes to look for anything serious’ she was just lying through her damn teeth.”

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