SatireV

Breaking News

Your blocking group

Harvard

Hair in Shower Drain a Fascinating Glimpse of Summer Housing's Ancient Inhabitants

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Earlier this week, archaeologists announced the groundbreaking discovery of a clump of hair in the shower drain of Hampden 42, offering fascinating insights into the long-dead civilization that reigned there before Move-Out Day.
 

Inactive Club Member Makes Grand Return to Scattered Applause, Forced Smiles

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a move that shocked everyone including himself, after almost four months of inactivity, Harrison Ross '19 was spotted entering a club meeting for the Harvard College Young Leaders in Financial Consulting in Business yesterday at approximately 8:06 pm. Ross’s homecoming was met by a few scattered cheers, many strained faces attempting to show warmth, and one unintelligible scream from the back of the room.

“It was a mistake. I was drunk, and I still love you,” Says Freshman Caught Cheating on CS50

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a leaked email sent to CS50 after he was called to the Honor Council, Kevin J. Benson ‘20, who cheated on problem sets in the course, wrote: “[Cheating] was a mistake, I was drunk, and I still love you.”

Resume Absolutely Cannot Fit Onto Less Than Four Pages, Freshman Informs Adviser

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Erin H. Miller ’20, a freshman in Thayer, informed her adviser on Monday that she absolutely cannot—under any circumstances—fit her resume onto fewer than four pages.

The showdown occurred when Melissa P. Williams, a lecturer in Economics, suggested that Miller condense her resume to one page as she applies for summer internships.

List: Clubs That Will Merge

HFAC and HCFA: While the Harvard Financial Analysts Club and Harvard College Faith and Action seem to have opposing goals and different visions of society, the OSL has decided that it's working pretty well for the Republican Party, so why not!

Chinese Students Association and the Catholic Students Association (CSA): They share the same acronym, so why not kill two birds with one stone?

Science Center Bathroom Declared As Harvard’s Second Most-Popular Tourist Destination

Cambridge, MA – In its annual report, the Harvard Admissions Office announced that the Science Center bathroom has officially become the second most popular tourist destination at Harvard, citing “high demand” and “visible relief” as top reasons for the shift in rankings.

The Crimson Arts Reviews "Seesaws in the Yard"

What is a seesaw, truly, but a simple metaphor for the fragile ebb and flow of humanity that somehow defines us all? What is a teeter-totter but a subtle allegory for the intricate dance of birth and death that emboldens yet imperils our lives?

These are the issues that Seesaws in the Yard—a flawed but compelling work of outdoor performance art in Harvard Yard—seeks to address. Ultimately, however, the work poses more questions than it resolves.

Harvard Republican Club Endorses Stern Finger Wagging in 2020

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an early endorsement, the Harvard Republican Club announced today that it will be supporting a "stern finger wagging" in a 2020 GOP primary challenge to incumbent President Donald Trump.
 
The club made headlines last year when it refused to endorse Trump's presidential candidacy. This time around, its opposition to Trump has manifested itself in a sharp wag of the finger in the President's direction.
 

Entire History of Race and Gender in the United States Covered in 4-5 Page Final Paper

Lauren E. Parsons ’19 reportedly summed up the entire history of race and gender in the United States in a 4-5 page final paper for her USW class on Monday. Even though she banged out her essay in a night, Parsons apparently managed to contextualize slavery, the Civil War, Reconstruction, female suffrage, women’s roles in World War II, the Civil Rights era, all three waves of feminist thought, police brutality, and the 2016 election in just under 2,000 words.

I Am Excited to Announce

I am excited to announce how humbled I am to be making this announcement. The announcement that I am excited to announce has been a long time in the making, and I am so excited to finally be able to announce it. It is announcements like this one that make me so excited to make announcements.

Pages