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What Really Happened on the Bus Ride to the Delphic Punch Outing

The person who submitted this has asked to remain anonymous.


I Think My Adult Scooter Is Having a Midlife Crisis. Please Help

adult scooter

By A Distraught Cabot Resident

It all began when I noticed its new pair of premium rubber Harley-Davidson tires and Guy Fieri flame decals, but now it’s actively redirecting me to Chameleon Tattoo & Body Piercing in the Garage. I might be crazy, but my I think my red Razor A6 is having a midlife crisis.

Godzilla “Pretty Bummed” No One Heard His Destruction of Boston Over Lowell Bells

godzilla

If recent polling data are to be believed, not a single resident of the whole municipality of the Greater Boston Area reports any memory of the landfall of the thousand-foot-walking-nuclear-reactor that is Godzilla this past Sunday, due to not being able to hear a thing, nor process any sensory information whatsoever, over the concrete-permeating, crescendoing fever dream that is the Lowell Bells.

8 Photos Of David Malan Ranked Based On How Close He Is To Ripping A Phone Book In Half

8. A Suit And A Button Down... Nice Try Mr. Malan, But We Know You Aren't Planning On Ripping Any Phonebooks With That Formal Outfit On.

Club Historian “Just Polishing Up The Lit Review!”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a exec board meeting Friday afternoon, Harvard Close-Up Magic Club leadership was shocked to learn that, after a year on the board, club historian Elmer P. Arlington ’22 has been “hard at work” on a comprehensive literature review all year instead of just twiddling his fuckin’ thumbs.
 
“Yeah we made that position as kind of a joke,” HCUM president Jen T. Poole ’21 said. “Like, what was Elmer going to do, engage in rigorous historical scholarship in an attempt to intervene in current debates about our shared past?”
 

Humanities-Scorning Physics Concentrator Crumples at 250-Word Response Paper

a man is typing

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Previously quoted as calling the Humanities “child’s play”, Physics concentrator Jack Garver ’21 seems to have met his match in a 1-page response paper for his Aesthetics & Culture Gen Ed course.

Pausing from deriding the simplicity of the liberal arts, Garver whined, “This is so unreasonable! I can’t see how they can expect 250 words from us. They didn’t even tell us what to write about! Aren’t Gen Eds supposed to be easy?” 

Which Harvard Dining Hall Are You?

Adams Dining Hall

Today we’re doing a deep dive into your dining psychology. We’re serving a steaming fresh quiz that’ll discover the Harvard D-Hall dwelling within your soul. Are you a quirky Quincy, calculating Cabot, or the unholy product of years of incest known as Kirkland? Today you’ll find out with just a few quick questions:

 

What’s your sign?

A. Virgo

B. “Grill Closed”

C. “Community Dinner | Grab A Meal With Someone You’ve Never Met”

D. “Salad Bar”

Mother Withdraws Son from the College After She Can’t See Emergency Blue Light from Other Emergency Blue Light

Emergency blue light system.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Debbie Nelson P ’23, who had been visiting her son Nick Nelson ’23 for the weekend, came to a halt during a walk on Saturday evening when she realized that she could not see a blue light from the one she and her son were standing next to outside Annenberg.

Area Birdwatcher “Disappointed” by Owl Club Initiation

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An area birdwatcher was reportedly “disappointed” by this past Thursday’s Owl Club initiation, citing their profound lack of owls as his main complaint. The disappointment concludes what had already been a stressful punch process for the forty-year-old avian enthusiast, who has since dropped the club after learning that middle-aged birdwatchers are not its primary demographic.

Please Don't Fuck Us

Harvard turkey

Dear Harvard Community,

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