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Harvard

Thank Me, Urchin, For My Charity

By: Your Financial Aid Donor

Hello Poor,  

It is I, the magnanimous benefactor upon whom your attendance at this university depends. The leaves have fallen, my family and servants are moving into our November estate, and we have once again reached that stage of the semester where you, my plucky and fate-favored ward, are encouraged to wash my holy feet with tears of gratitude. 

Jess & PusFace for A Cleaner UC

We are so excited to announce the winner of the UC Presidential Election: Jess & PusFace! Thank you to all who voted, and we look forward to the much-needed change these two will bring to our campus.

1. Wasted Funds. Reallocate the $200 student activities fee from all undergraduate students to cover PusFace's intensive medical care. 

2. Community & Immunity. Create a Multi-Coagulate Center for the mingling of biles to boost campus immunity.

PBK Elects 1,562 Seniors to the "Definitely Not PBK" Society

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- 1,562 Harvard seniors awoke to a very exciting Thursday morning email. "Upon viewing your lackluster academic records and history of mediocrity, we are honored to announce that you have been elected to the Definitely Not PBK Society." 

"We think everyone deserves an award," a PBK spokesperson said. "It's just that this award means you are not special in any way, shape, or form, and cannot join our club." 

Edgy Blockmate Has Something to Say, Again

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Sources report that The Edgiest Member Of Your Blocking Group ‘22 is preparing to say something, again. You and your roommates were in the dining hall pretending to be shocked about the latest admissions scandal when he came in and sat down. 

We Kidnapped Your Mom And She’s Calling You To Lunch at Mignone Field

by Harvard Athletics

Today is the biggest social event of the fall, and we really want all the students to come out and support our athletics teams, so we kidnapped your mom and she’s calling you for lunch at Mignone Field! 

Are These Boys in Suits Going to a Punch Event, a Recruiting Event, or the Rat King’s Birthday Soirée?

Fall in Cambridge comes in many forms. Leaves change colors, temperatures drop, and boys in suits go to mysterious destinations. In droves, these boys travel Harvard Square like teeny tiny businessmen. However, one question puzzles almost anyone who crosses the boys’ paths: Are these boys in suits going to a punch event, a recruiting event, or The Rat King’s Birthday Soirée?

New SAT Format Just Straight Up Asks How Much Money Your Parents Have

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an unprecedented cooperative front, the College Board has officially paired with the Harvard University Admissions Office to announce a new holistic SAT format with only one question, “If your parents’ income was represented in miles, how many miles do your parents make per year?”

This partnership appears to address some of the major concerns identified in the admissions lawsuit against Harvard.

What Really Happened on the Bus Ride to the Delphic Punch Outing

The person who submitted this has asked to remain anonymous.


I Think My Adult Scooter Is Having a Midlife Crisis. Please Help

adult scooter

By A Distraught Cabot Resident

It all began when I noticed its new pair of premium rubber Harley-Davidson tires and Guy Fieri flame decals, but now it’s actively redirecting me to Chameleon Tattoo & Body Piercing in the Garage. I might be crazy, but my I think my red Razor A6 is having a midlife crisis.

Godzilla “Pretty Bummed” No One Heard His Destruction of Boston Over Lowell Bells

godzilla

If recent polling data are to be believed, not a single resident of the whole municipality of the Greater Boston Area reports any memory of the landfall of the thousand-foot-walking-nuclear-reactor that is Godzilla this past Sunday, due to not being able to hear a thing, nor process any sensory information whatsoever, over the concrete-permeating, crescendoing fever dream that is the Lowell Bells.

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