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The Yardfest headliner should NOT have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.

by I. N. Sufferablé

Look. I understand the CEB was under pressure this year. It seems like they couldn’t find a decent headliner for Yardfest for way way too long, and now they’ve just picked the nearest mega-successful artist who was available. I get it. I’ve handed in my fair share of late assignments. I know what it’s like to be pressed for time and do something subpar. But let’s be frank. The Yardfest headliner should not have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.

I Guess I'm Just Somebody Yardfest Will Never Know

By Gotye
 
It has come to my attention that once again the Harvard College Events Board has passed over me, Belgian-Australian multi-instrumentalist singer-songwriter Gotye, for Yardfest headliner. 
 
Now and then I think about when I was on top of the charts. "Somebody That I Used to Know" was an 11x Platinum record in Australia! My music was blaring through radios across continents. I felt so happy I could die!
 

I Paid $30 to Watch Hot People Walk

Not to brag, but I think of myself as a pretty sophisticated person. I love to visit art museums, discuss literature, and speak French: bonjour, oui, baguette! So when my hip friend Julia told me about a fashion show this weekend, I knew I had to go. What could be more sophisticated than spending two hours of my Saturday night watching hot people walk? 

Harvard Lifehacks: How to Get the Senior Spring Minotaur to Stop Following You

Shut your pie hole and get ready to learn yourself a thing or two. It’s me, the best advice-giver in all of Harvard and I’m primed and ready to rain some wisdom on this shit. Have a question? Throw it at me. Got two? Even better. Hundreds? Nothing will stop me from your onslaught of queries: I am a humanoid Google. Email me your questions and I, the Oracle of Harvard, will give you the highest quality answers imaginable. Let’s get cracking.

 

"Life" Flawed but Compelling

It begins in celebration, and ends in the darkness of eternity, but in between "Life," which opened about four billion years ago on Earth, is a mixed bag.
 
To begin with, in the opinion of this reviewer, the setting is overly simplistic. It's mostly a mix of dirt, grass, and water, with some pavement thrown in. Occasionally the audience will see a mountain, the sky, or even a waterfall– but most of the time it's the same thing every day.
 

Attention All Pigeons: I Am Your God Now

By a 6-year-old
 
Hi, pigeons. Birdies. Bony, feathered worms of the sky. I have something to tell you: I am your God now.
 

Would You Shank a Fat Man to Save a Single Mother of Two Children?

The following is an excerpt from Professor Michael Sandel's latest lecture:

"See, all of modern morality can be reduced to the trolley problem. We've all heard the age-old problem: what if there is a trolley running along the tracks, and it will kill five people. However, you can pull a lever to change the tracks and have the trolley run over one person, but save the five. What is the morally correct thing to do?"

[At this point Sandel walked over to a window and began to stare through the slightly foggy glass at a developing rainstorm.]

I'm Not Like Other Girls. I Am a Lamp.

Most girls out there are pretty similar: they like to wear leggings, eat at Sweetgreen, and make posts on social media. But I’m not like the other girls. I’m a lamp.

Unlike other women, I don’t go shopping, get my nails done, or upload pictures on the Instagram. Instead, I convert 60 watts of electrical power into visible light energy and infrared radiation so people can continue performing basic tasks without the assistance of the sun.  

You Cannot Control The Python

By Mike Pence

There has been a great deal of hubbub in recent days regarding the rules I live my life by: dining with no woman besides my wife, only going to events with alcohol if my wife is present, showering only in the auspicious blessings of my wife. Well there is a simple reason for that—you cannot control The Python.

I Know You Have to Wake Up Early, But Why the Fuck Do You Need 7 Alarms?

Hey!

I really wanted to talk to you about something when I heard you getting up this morning, but unfortunately I didn’t have time since I was busy trying to be asleep.

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