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Endorsement: Katie Lapp for Harvard University President

Currently, the Harvard Corporation is searching for a successor to President Drew G. Faust, who announced her plans to step down after the 2017-2018 academic year. The Satire V editorial board has unanimously voted to endorse Executive Vice President Katie Lapp—known for her management skills as well as getting trapped under various things—to succeed Faust as University President.

Just Because a Girl Made Out with You Doesn’t Mean You’re Not Totally Repulsive

By Your Insecurities

Wow! You made out with a girl tonight! You’re probably feelin’ like quite the hot shot. A girl put her mouth on your mouth for an extended period of time! She was even pretty cute.

Too cute…

Definitely too cute to have made out with you voluntarily…

Everything Beyoncé Has Done I Did First and Better, But It's Fine

By Mariah Carey

Okay, I get it, you’re all really obsessed with Beyoncé. Her diva persona, her booty, her twins. It’s all really cool. You know how I know that? Because I did all that shit first.

Listen up, sheeple, and you might learn a thing or two. You heard it here first: Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter is a copycat of the highest degree. And also, I am not “the laughingstock of music.”

Finally, Memes Have Destroyed Someone’s Life Other Than My Own

A sad man
By Marciano Eemster
 
When the news came out that several prospective Harvard students had their admission offers rescinded over offensive memes, many were dismayed. Indeed, as a meme reader myself, I would never read such offensive and tasteless memes as the ones that got them expelled. However, unlike all of you, who were sad to hear this news, I was happy. Or, at least, as happy as it is possible for me to be while my life is in this sorry, sorry state. For once memes have finally destroyed someone’s life other than my own.
 

The Yardfest headliner should NOT have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.

by I. N. Sufferablé

Look. I understand the CEB was under pressure this year. It seems like they couldn’t find a decent headliner for Yardfest for way way too long, and now they’ve just picked the nearest mega-successful artist who was available. I get it. I’ve handed in my fair share of late assignments. I know what it’s like to be pressed for time and do something subpar. But let’s be frank. The Yardfest headliner should not have been Tiesto. It should have been Elvis Presley.

I Guess I'm Just Somebody Yardfest Will Never Know

By Gotye
 
It has come to my attention that once again the Harvard College Events Board has passed over me, Belgian-Australian multi-instrumentalist singer-songwriter Gotye, for Yardfest headliner. 
 
Now and then I think about when I was on top of the charts. "Somebody That I Used to Know" was an 11x Platinum record in Australia! My music was blaring through radios across continents. I felt so happy I could die!
 

I Paid $30 to Watch Hot People Walk

Not to brag, but I think of myself as a pretty sophisticated person. I love to visit art museums, discuss literature, and speak French: bonjour, oui, baguette! So when my hip friend Julia told me about a fashion show this weekend, I knew I had to go. What could be more sophisticated than spending two hours of my Saturday night watching hot people walk? 

Harvard Lifehacks: How to Get the Senior Spring Minotaur to Stop Following You

Shut your pie hole and get ready to learn yourself a thing or two. It’s me, the best advice-giver in all of Harvard and I’m primed and ready to rain some wisdom on this shit. Have a question? Throw it at me. Got two? Even better. Hundreds? Nothing will stop me from your onslaught of queries: I am a humanoid Google. Email me your questions and I, the Oracle of Harvard, will give you the highest quality answers imaginable. Let’s get cracking.

 

"Life" Flawed but Compelling

It begins in celebration, and ends in the darkness of eternity, but in between "Life," which opened about four billion years ago on Earth, is a mixed bag.
 
To begin with, in the opinion of this reviewer, the setting is overly simplistic. It's mostly a mix of dirt, grass, and water, with some pavement thrown in. Occasionally the audience will see a mountain, the sky, or even a waterfall– but most of the time it's the same thing every day.
 

Attention All Pigeons: I Am Your God Now

By a 6-year-old
 
Hi, pigeons. Birdies. Bony, feathered worms of the sky. I have something to tell you: I am your God now.
 

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