SatireV

Breaking News

Bad

Opinion

Pop Music Is Unoriginal and Uninspired, Which Is Why I Listen Exclusively to 12th-14th Century Gregorian Chant

A Gregorian chant
By Arnoldius B. Pretentium '19
 
Last year at a party, my friend and I undertook a daring endeavor. We pushed our way through the throng of sweaty college students to find the DJ. We were going to request a song.
 
“Do you know ‘Invitatorium: Deum Verum’?” I said to the DJ.
 
“Yeah?”
 
“Can you play it next?”
 

I Don’t Care if You’re 35 with Children, You’re Not Getting a Drink

The Kong

By the White Guy at The Kong

Back in the day, the establishment where I now willingly spend my twilight years was a lawless land where underage drinking reigned supreme. It was mayhem. I was brought on to usher in a new age of order and control at the Kong. That is why I don’t care if you’re 35 with children: you’re not getting a drink. 

A Generic Statement about Sexual Assault

Ben Affleck

By a Powerful Male Celebrity

I must start off this statement by mentioning that I am sad and angry. Everyone is sad and angry, but not as sad and angry as me, a powerful man who has never had to worry about jeopardizing his career by resisting the advances of a powerful sexual predator. I felt absolutely sick when I read the allegations this morning. My head was spinning, and I even vomited in the sink a little. Then I remembered that I forgot to take my daily Excedrin, and everything was better — just not for the dozens of women whose lives have been permanently ruined.

Oh, There’s a Sexual Predator in Hollywood? I Should Opine!

By Woody Allen

It’s me, Woody Allen. I’m that director who makes you uncomfortable because you love my movies but you don’t love that I’m basically married to my daughter. Just wanted to chime in!

When I heard that there was a famous sexual predator in Hollywood, I was like, “Hey, you know who should opine? Me. It would definitely be a good idea if I, Woody Allen, gave my two cents about this. That makes utter and complete sense. This is a sane decision.” 

What’s This, Your Fifth Burrito This Week?

Cashier

By an El Jefe’s Cashier

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. Here you come, marching over to me, smiling like we’ve never met before, and—oh, what’s that you’re saying? You want to buy a burrito? Surprise sur-fucking-prise. What’s this, your fifth burrito this week?

6 Inspirational Thoughts I Had and You Didn't Because You're a Moron

By Modi Vaycha
 
1) Awaken to the brilliance of everyday moments.
 
An enlightened person like myself sees beauty in everything around me all the time. As a result, I live in a state of intense joy. I only wish I had some way to show the very stupid people, like yourself, who live around me this simple fact about the world. Everyday moments are beautiful, which is something that I know because I am smart and you don't know because you're dumb.
 
2) See goodness in the world.
 

I Regret to Inform You I Am Not Interested in Your Friendship at This Time

Rejection letter

Dear Sara, 

Thank you for your interest in being my friend. Your earnest requests to “grab lunch” are flattering, and your repeated attempts to get my attention by commenting “YASSS girl” on Instagrams of me in different but virtually undistinguishable black outfits have not gone unnoticed.  

Look, I'm All For Interdisciplinary Education but Don’t Fucking Make Me Do Math

Karl Marx behind a bunch of math.

By A Social Studies Concentrator

An Anonymous Review of the New Spider-Man Movie

Spider-Man

By Definitely NOT Tobey Maguire

As I sat down in the theater to watch Spider-Man: Homecoming, which I naively thought would be a completely necessary installment in the Spider-Man franchise, I couldn’t help but think it was unnecessary, very bad, and totally lacking celebrated actor Tobey Maguire.

No, This Fucking Email Does Not "Find Me Well"

Your former TF
Dear Smug Little Shit,
 
How disappointing to hear from you! No, this fucking email does not "find me well." In the year and a half since I was your TF, during which time I almost forgot that you exist, I have moved to Oman and become a postdoc at Sultan Qaboos University. I make 12,000 rials a year, alcohol is illegal here, and the only American I have met is a CIA agent who calls himself "Big Tex" and who has threatened to kill me if I make eye contact with him in the marketplace.
 

Pages