SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Opinion

Point/Counterpoint: Sasuke Uchiha Is the Greatest Anime Character of All Time vs. Sasuke Uchiha Is a Waste of Fucking Space

Sasuke Uchiha, in four panels.
Sasuke Uchiha is the greatest anime character of all time
by 14 year-old you
 

My Biggest Fear Is Mice and Also Liking Something from 2009 on My Crush’s Facebook Page

A woman sitting in front of a computer covers her face with her hands. She looks embarrassed.
Mice are God’s punishment for every lustful, greedy, messed-up thing that humans have ever done. I hate their beady eyes, their dirty whiskers, their disease-ridden fur, their incessant squeaks, and their residency in my vent in Kirkland.

But I would happily—gladly—invite an entire family of Stuart Littles to build a home in the floorboards of my dorm room if it meant that I would never accidentally like another post from 2009 on my crush’s Facebook page ever again.

I Won’t Settle for Anything Less Than a Tall, Fit 25-Year-Old Who Tastes Like Heinz Dijon Mustard

Some people can abandon their ideals in favor of what’s available here and now. These people are willing to take any man who is “good enough.” I say there’s no such thing as “good enough”—either he’s The One or he’s nobody. That’s why I’m waiting for the perfect man—a 6-foot-tall, athletically built 25-year-old who tastes like Heinz Dijon Mustard.
 

Am I...Real?

Santa Claus, with a space background
Lately, I have been hearing some troubling rumblings from the children. Little Timmy in Topeka told the rest of his second grade class that I am not "real." Isn't that hilarious? Mrs. Claus would be very disappointed to find out that I am not real!
 
I am definitely real, Timmy. I am merely an aged, rotund man, who lives in secrecy in an inhospitable locale and delivers toys to children...all around the world...in one single night...from a sleigh pulled by flying forest creatures.... Hmm. Now that you mention it, that does seem highly improbable.
 

Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

A woman who is actually dead

RE: Sorry For The Late Response—I Literally Died

Hi Professor Chen,

Thank you so much for your feedback on my grad school essays! I’m really sorry for the late response—I literally died.

I’ve been meaning to get you my final paper, but I just wanted to let you know that Hell has a pretty strong firewall and I haven’t had access to Google Docs. I might be able to use my Harvard VPN from the literal grave, though. I’ll let you know!

All I Want Is a Nice Shrewish Boy

A mouse with a menorah and the Torah floating in the background.

By a mouse

My parents keep telling me that I need to find a nice shrewish boy, but trapping the right shrewish boy is way easier said than done.

My mom says that generations of women in this family have devoted ourselves to the taming of the shrew. I secretly dated a hamster once—I couldn’t keep my paws off of him—but my brother ratted me out to my dad.

Yo, It Fucking Blows That My Last Harvard-Yale Weekend Was At Yale

Dean Dingman
By Dean of Freshman Thomas A. "Tommy D" Dingman
 

Sexism Creates Unfair Beauty Standards for Women, But Also I Pay $30 a Month to Have My Eyebrows Ripped Out of My Face

As a feminist, I ardently believe that society has set up toxic, misogynistic beauty standards for women. Expectations that women must look a certain way or dress a certain way are grossly sexist and blatantly patriarchal.

On the other hand, I pay a middle-aged woman named Kelly $15 every other week to violently rip the stray hairs surrounding my eyebrows out of my face.

Jesus Christ Died For My Sins, But Man is Challah Delicious!

An Irish Catholic man and challah bread

By Sean McLoughlin

From my christening to this very moment, Catholicism has been the guiding light in my life. Failure, rejection, emotional distress, feelings of inadequacy—my faith has guided me through these experiences, and I have come out of them a stronger person. But last week I tried challah, and now I have something to confess. I think I might want to convert to Judaism?

Here’s what happened: I went to Mark’s son’s bar mitzvah, and on the way out, some guy offered me a piece of challah. I took a bite, and that was it. Everything changed.

I'm Going to Steal So Many Fucking Books

A book thief

By a Lamont Library Book Thief

It all started when I was six and accidentally walked out of the Pine Hills Community Library with a copy of Captain Underpants. I had forgotten to check it out, but when I got home and realized what I had done, I felt no remorse. Instead, I felt a rush. Ever since that fateful day when I got a taste of literary kleptomania, I’ve never forgotten just how good it felt.

Fast forward to October 30, 2017 and finally, my time has come. I can live out my lifelong fantasy of stealing every single goddamn book in Lamont Library.

Pages