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Area Man Downloads Tinder for Fourth Time Because, Fuck, Grandparents Married at 20

A man holds a phone.
ALEXANDRIA, VA – Upon realizing today that, Jesus H. Christ, he is already three years older than his grandparents when they married, local 23-year-old Josh Keegan has downloaded the popular hookup app Tinder for the fourth time.
 
"I mean, holy shit, when she was my age, Nana had already given birth to Aunt Linda," Keegan reported as he hastily deleted "[Aquarius emoji], if you care about that sort of thing" from his bio. "Obviously it was a different time, but damn, I don't think I've even been on a date since Kelsey."
 

Guy on Tinder Seems Really Outdoorsy

Who's taking these pictures, Brian?

TINDER – Reports are in that a local Tinder profile belonging to "Brian" seems really into outdoor activities like traveling, hiking, and camping. In addition to his first two pictures being of him at a national park, the third one is a picture of him sitting on some rock or something. Altogether these photos paint an undeniably outdoorsy picture of Brian.

"I Know Where to Go From Here": Modern Day Magellan Turns Off GPS As He Approaches Destination

MORRISTOWN, NJ – As he approached his final destination, accountant and Ferdinand Magellan for our times Josh Robertson confidently disabled his GPS. “I know where to go from here,” Robertson declared to the other passengers, including his wife Jennifer and two kids.

Steering a beige 2005 Toyota Corolla southbound down the New Jersey Turnpike, Robertson astutely detected the exit for route 287, a highway that he regularly traverses. Taking stock of his surroundings, Robertson unplugged his GPS. “Do you want to shut down?” read the GPS display. “Yes,” said Robertson aloud.

Man has Never Felt Deeper Bond Than When Peeing Side-by-Side with Dog

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Basking in a love more profound than he had previously thought possible, area man Dennis Gilmore has reportedly never been more content than when peeing next to his dog, Doug. Sources say that Doug can regularly be spotted urinating on various lawns and shrubbery with Gilmore doing the same by his side.

“Doug and I are so on the same wavelength,” Gilmore said. “We do everything together - including taking care of our basic needs.”

Literal Genius Discovers Situational Irony of "Good" Friday

MILWAUKEE, WI – Today local office temp and literal genius Alex Francisco discovered the situational irony embedded in the term "Good" Friday.
 
Good Friday, a Christian holiday observed during Holy Week, commemorates the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. "Looks like it wasn't so 'good' for Jesus, huh?" said the utterly brilliant Francisco. "Guess they didn't take that into consideration when they named the holiday, did they?"
 

Less Favorite Grandma Announces Plans to Die at Pretty Inconvenient Time for You

GAMMY'S HOUSE – At a press conference this afternoon, your less favorite grandmother "Gammy Florida" announced her plans to die at a pretty inconvenient time for you.
 
"I've decided to pass into the Great Beyond next week, just two days before that midterm for which you've been studying for weeks," said Gammy Florida, who never really seemed to take a liking to you anyway. "And I insist that my funeral be here in Florida, so that the entire family has to book flights on short notice."
 

"You Know, the Irish Faced Discrimination" Proclaims Irish-American Who Has Never Faced Discrimination

BOSTON, MA – In the middle of a discussion about racism in America, local accountant and Irish-American Francis O'Connell, who has never experienced any discrimination of any kind, added that, "You know, the Irish were discriminated against, too."

After dropping this truth bomb, O'Connell looked around the table for supportive nods, but received only confused stares.

Man with Ponytail Actually Completely Normal Person. Huh!

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Reports indicate that Jeremy Flemish ‘18 is surprisingly a completely normal person, despite choosing to wear his hair in a ponytail. Indeed, over the course of the day Jeremy was presented with a wide variety of social situations, and navigated each of these interactions the same way a totally regular guy would have. Huh!
 

Local Coffee Bean Afraid to Try Grinder

BREAKFAST BLEND, MA - A local coffee bean has been having some second thoughts about whether it really wants to try the grinder. But after weeks of no action, this bean thinks it may be time to use the appliance soon, even if it does have some reservations.

The bean, purchased 20 days ago, has always been forward-thinking and accepting of its own desires. “It’s not that I have anything against beans who’ve already tried the grinder. In fact, I completely respect their choice to do that. I’m just worried about putting myself out there like that.”

Local Warming Denier Doesn’t Think It’s Nice Day

Grand Rapids, MI—Resulting from his deeply held beliefs about the state of the climate, local warming denier David French, 29, doesn’t think it’s a nice day today. “I just don’t really think it’s that nice out,” he told reporters, “that’s my intuition, and no amount of scientific evidence will convince me otherwise.”

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