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Progressive Win! This High Schooler Only Gives Hand Jobs in the Gender-Neutral Bathroom

A girl with thumbs up outside a gender neutral bathroom

NAPERVILLE NORTH HIGH SCHOOL, ILLINOIS — In a bold act of social justice, local quickie connoisseur Becky Jackson announced via ask.fm that she will now exclusively give hand jobs in her high school’s new gender-neutral bathroom.

When asked about it at lunch the next day, the modern-day bell hooks said, “It’s 2018—Social change is all around us. Some hands write laws, other hands hold protest signs, and other hands generously jack off people of all genders.” 

Marxist Refuses to Go Down on Girlfriend, Citing 'No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism'

Man with beard

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On Monday NYU PhD. candidate Mark P. Flannigan was forced to flee his communal living space after declining to reciprocate oral sex with  long-term partner Alyssa M. Hale, citing "no ethical consumption under capitalism." 

Man Secretly Enjoys Sitting in Warm Fumes of His Own Fart

A generic stock photo of a man

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Trembling with the strain of clenching his quivering buttcheeks together, Mike Dawkins anxiously waited until his roommates left for the pizza shop before unleashing an ungodly build-up of flatulence Tuesday night. 

Area Man Can't Figure Out Untranslated Italian Menu Items

menu

McKEESPORT, PA – Folding and refolding his white cloth napkin in his lap, area man John P. Stevens tried on Tuesday to order something really good at an Italian restaurant but could not figure out the untranslated menu items.

“Okay, let’s see here," said Stevens, fixing the collar of his plaid shirt and unsheathing his mobile phone from its place on his belt. "We’ve got pappardelle pancetta and campanelle with soppressata. Is that a type of espresso or something? Why do they have the desserts grouped up here with the entrées?"

Area Woman Can Only Find Validation in iPhone's Hand Emojis

emoji hands

AT THE INTERSECTION OF TECHNOLOGY AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM – Speaking to reporters while texting herself little thumbs-ups, local woman Jane S. Etter confirmed on Monday that she only finds validation in the hand section of her iPhone’s emoji keyboard.

“I used to turn to people for affirmation,” said Etter. “But people disappoint. Friends spell your name wrong, boyfriends break up with you, and professors tell you that your midterm paper is so uninspired that it would have been better if you’d just done some light plagiarizing.”

College-Bound Chicken to Major in Dramaturkey

chicken

OLD MACDONALD’S FARM — After much deliberation, area chicken Henrietta Cluckson has decided to attend Carnegeese Melon University, where she will major in Dramaturkey. The egg-born ingénue, who has been studying theater since incubation, has previously starred in productions of Richbird the Third and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

“High school can be tough on theater kids since there’s always a pecking order,” Cluckson’s drama teacher, Paul Tree, said. “But we all knew that Henrietta would fly straight to the top.”

Area Man Unsure How Quiet Night in Became Watching Russian Car Crash Videos Until 4 a.m.

man in bed
BOSTON, MA — Exhausted and utterly bewildered, area man David W. Flender has no idea how his quiet night in turned into watching Russian car crash videos until 4 a.m. 

“I had a pretty grueling week, so I decided to stay at home on Friday night and catch up on some much-needed sleep,” said the financial analyst, who instead ended up watching over 20 compilation videos of motor vehicle accidents, which included light scrapes, pileups, rollovers, and head-on collisions.
 

Two Words on Social Media Was Exactly What I Wanted for My Birthday

a facebook "happy birthday!" post

By you know exactly which friend

Hey, BFF! Thank you SO much for your thoughtful birthday post on Facebook.

Honestly, I am moved by the pure simplicity of "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Your employment of capital letters and that exclamation point captured your enthusiasm with a level of nuance that definitely could not have been achieved with more words. Huge props for not using any emojis at all. They would have distracted from the whole two words you wrote.

Area Man Only Meant to Shut Eyes for Few Minutes, Wakes to Alien Overlords

SLEEPY HOLLOW, NY – After planning to take a quick, thirty-minute power nap, area man Daniel R. Foster awoke from a deep, coma-like slumber 23 years later than he had intended.
 
The nap was only meant to help him “catch up on a few Zs,” but after sinking into the dissociative bliss of death-like sleep, Foster succumbed to his profound, bodily exhaustion and woke up in the year 2041. Sound asleep for two decades, Foster dozed through the fall of earth and the rise of its current imperial overlords, the Oglaroonians of the Omicron Deluvia Star System.  

Area White Woman Texts About Importance of “Black Panther” All Throughout “Black Panther”

ITHACA, NY — Area woman Nancy R. O’Donnell spent her Friday evening letting all of her friends know that Black Panther is “just SUCH an important film” as she sat in a movie theater watching Black Panther

O'Donnell texted at least nine friends while the movie was playing and another five after it ended. “I can’t believe such a small phone can create so much light,” said Arthur T. Jackson, a fellow moviegoer.

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