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QUIZ: Should You Wake Up the Airline Passenger Next To You, Or Just Piss Your Pants?

After fighting your way through seemingly endless lines at baggage check and security, you’ve finally settled in for your flight home. You realize you have to pee, but you’re in the middle seat and the passenger in the aisle is fast asleep. 
 
Should you wake up the airline passenger next to you, or just piss your pants? Take this quiz to find out!
 
  1. How badly do you have to pee?
A) Just a little.

The Top 10 Cloth Puppets That Are Raging Homosexuals

The sexualities of the beloved, definitely gay Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie have been at the center of debate practically since their debut on the children’s TV show in 1969. However, as the world continues to debate TV’s gayest puppet couple, it has failed to speculate on the sexualities of all of the other members of the Muppet universe. All of the muppets (except Beaker, the token straight) are gay, but some are more homosexual than the rest. Below are the top 10 gayest muppets:

QUIZ: Should You Have Brought Up Your Extensive Animal Tooth Collection in Your Case Interview?

shark teeth

1) How many animal teeth did you admit to owning?

A) Only two. I said they were shark teeth that I got on a family vacation to Ocean City, MD last year.
B) Several hundred. I also mentioned how I had them variously stashed around my room: a handful of zebra incisors on my desk, a dozen or so cobra fangs in the closet, and -- get this -- a full set of bear teeth in the top drawer of my nightstand. I know, my setup is pretty badass.

2) How did your interviewer react when you brought up the animal teeth?

QUIZ: Is It Love, or Is It Eye Contact?

man
Ladies, we’ve all been there: You walk into a room, and—BAM!—a total hottie is standing right there in the same room as you. RIGHT there. Like there you are, in the room. And there he is, in that room also.
 
Can you say fate? You give him the ol’ thrice-over, and all of a sudden, it happens. Your eyes lock across the crowded room. You look at him. He looks at you. You are left with the age-old conundrum: Is it love, or is it eye contact?
 

QUIZ: Are You Living the College Lifestyle, or Do You Just Have No Self-Respect?

boys in a dorm room
It’s late. 3:02 a.m. to be exact. You just finished a long pset, and you’re done studying for the night. You decide to reward yourself with some late night Easy Mac. You’re two-and-a-half bowls deep when you start to wonder if instant mac and cheese is just part of the broke college student aesthetic or if this choice is a manifestation of your deep-seated self-hatred.
 
We’ve all been there: Are you living the college lifestyle, or do you just have no self-respect? Take this handy quiz to find out!

Nation's Dads Announce Plan to Cut Number of Goddamn Remotes in Half by 2030

THE LIVING ROOM – The nation's dads announced today an ambitious plan to cut the number of goddamm remotes in half by the year 2030.

"There's just too many freakin' remotes," said Burt T. Underwood, dad of two. "That's why the other dads and I put together this plan of action," he added, waving around a La Quinta Inn notepad with some notes scribbled on it.

“Don’t Spend It All in One Place,” Says Idiot Grandpa Who Just Gave You $5 for Your Birthday

Grandpa

Clearly under the impression that a gallon of milk still costs 10 cents and that your affection is equally cheap, your idiot grandpa reportedly slipped you $5 for your birthday yesterday while advising you not to “spend it all in one place.”

MADLIB: So Sorry I Can’t Come to Your Event

Woman staring at computer

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your NOUN. I really want to come—I loooove NOUN—but I will be GERUND this weekend.

I really wanted to come—I swear I had it VERB in my Google calendar and everything! I was talking to PROPER NOUN about it just yesterday, PRONOUN can tell you. Isn’t PROPER NOUN coming? I love PRONOUN!

Study Shows More Young Variables Opting for Causal Relationships

STANFORD, CA — A new study released by researchers at Stanford University shows that more and more young variables are choosing to keep their relationships causal. 

Woman Angry at Dipshit Boyfriend Who Won’t Oh Wait Just Kidding He Replied To Her Text

Woman staring at phone angrily

LOS ANGELES — As Kelly Lawson ferociously gulped down heaping spoonfuls of ice cream in a fit of blind feminine rage, her bitter diatribe about the heartlessness of men abruptly came to a halt Thursday night when her boyfriend finally replied to her carefully drafted text, causing her to immediately vindicate all faults of the male population that she had just painstakingly detailed for the past 12 minutes.

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