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Baby Carrot Grows to Resent Father

A baby carrot.
THE GROUND – In a sad but somewhat predictable development, Baby Carrot has grown to resent his father.
 
Baby's father, known as Carrot, has always been much larger and more popular than his son. This has planted resentment in the tiny orange heart of Baby Carrot– a feeling that cannot be easily uprooted.
 
"Everyone loves my dad," said Baby Carrot. "They use him in chicken noodle soup, Bugs Bunny cartoons, and generally to represent all carrots. What about Baby Carrot, huh? Why is there no love for me?"
 

5 Memes That Are TOTALLY Worth Getting Rescinded Over!

These memes, while not racist, misogynist, or homophobic, are nonetheless important commentaries about life at Harvard. If admissions officers can't take the heat, they should get out of the kitchen. Here is a list of memes that are– unlike the deplorable memes that got several admitted students' offers rescinded– TOTALLY worth getting rescinded over:

5 Mind-Blowing Facts About Graduation and, More Importantly, The Apocalypse

Hey seniors (and mortals)! Check out these totally mind-blowing facts about graduation and, more importantly, the Apocalypse:

 

1) You are leaving behind your old life.

This is a major milestone in your life, but it can be rather bittersweet. You’ll never have another experience like college, so leaving behind everything that you once knew can be scary. Especially when you are leaving it behind as your soul is lifted from your earthly body and you transcend into the sweet bliss of eternity.

Omg! Young Joe Biden was a Total Biscotti

Former Vice President Joe Biden is going to be Harvard’s 2017 Class Day speaker. In honor of his future presence on campus, we here at DriveBy are taking a look back at his college days. (Can someone say fifteen crunchiest freshmen?) His looks may have changed a bit over the years, but he was looking pretty nutty when he was 26:

BREAKING: Novel Study Reveals Drowning Is Leading Cause of Lion Extinction in Pacific Ocean

SAN DIEGO, CALIF. — Last week, researchers at the University of California, San Diego found that drowning accounts for the vast majority of African lion (Panthera leo) deaths in the Pacific Ocean.

The Most Notorious Phrases that Jesus Christ Always Uses in Section

We've heard them all! Satire V has compiled a list of all the typical phrases that Jesus Christ constantly uses in section:
 
Can we unpack that? Because even I, Son of God Jesus Christ, did not understand what you were saying.
 
Don't you just hate when you've just made a point, and Jesus Christ wants you to "unpack" it? What does "unpack" even mean? We all know you're trying to mask your confusion. Sorry, Jesus, but your lack of omnipotence is showing.
 

Area Man Swears He’s Usually Able to Pull off Party Trick

ROCHESTER, NY – Sources close to Ronald Simpson, 26, confirmed that, after three attempts, he was unable to flick a beer bottle cap into a garbage can approximately ten feet away at a small party on Saturday night.

Simpson assured those watching, “Normally I can do it. Damnit.” He later pointed out, “These bottle caps are weird, definitely different than the ones I’m used to.”

Pineapple Pizza is Awesome, Man! by Guy Fieri vs. Fuck You by Anthony Bourdain

Pineapple Pizza is Awesome, Man!
 
By Guy Fieri
 
Hey, man! I've heard there's been some controversy surrounding my favorite pizza topping: pineapple. Some people say pineapple doesn't belong on pizza, but they're just party poopers! Put a little pineapple on your pizza, and you'll be riding the bus to Flavor Town in no time, man! Pineapple pizza is off the hook! Alright!
 
Fuck You
 
By Anthony Bourdain
 

Area Nun Just Can’t Break the Habit

BOSTON, MA — Sister Margaret, a local nun, just can’t break the habit. “No matter how hard I try, I can’t bring myself to rip this thing in half,” said Sister Margaret, as she tried and failed to tear up her traditional head covering.

Sister Margaret has long attempted to break the habit. She wanted to destroy it years ago, but her habit proved too compelling. She once wore a Benedictine replacement patch in hopes of finally kicking her habit to the curb. But every time she gets close to shredding her black-and-white garb, she goes crawling back to her old habit.

BREAKING: Deans Are Beans

An undergraduate investigative team lead by Satire V has made the surprising discovery that the Deans of Harvard College are not, as previously thought, homo sapiens, but, shockingly — beans. 

 

Refried Bean Khurana was quick to reassure students. “We won’t let this uproot our community. We will fry, fry again until we succ-seed in sprouting a stronger community.” 

 

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