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The Future President Probably Has a Finsta Right Now, Historians Declare

girl on phone

After an annual conference in Chicago this week, a panel of presidential historians declared that the future President of the United States probably has a finsta right now.

"We ran some tests, analyzed some focus groups, and crunched some numbers," explained Princeton professor Alfred Q. Ellington, "and we concluded that there is a very good chance that the 50th president is currently posting photos of a sunset on her rinsta and is divulging her real feelings about that bitch Stacey on her finsta."

Dad to Misbehaving Son: “You Can Expect a Tweet Tomorrow Morning, Young Man”

trump and tillerson

BOSTON, MASS.—After spending the entire school term clashing with his father, a local father told 14-year-old Devin L. Dunlap that he can expect a tweet tomorrow morning. This ultimatum is a blow to Dunlap, who must now dread a 280-character missive on an online public forum.

“I couldn’t believe my ears when Dad finally dropped the hammer,” Dunlap said. "I thought for sure that grounding me right then and there was the worst he would do, but he opted for a tweet."

Area Comrade Tired of Accidentally Searching “Google Maos” instead of Google Maps


MONROVIA, CA- After erroneously searching “google maos” in the Chrome search bar for the fifth time this week, John Wilkinson, a 31 year-old Uber call center representative, threw his hands up in despair, scoffing “As if I would look to Mao for an example of a proletariat uprising.”

 “Armed revolution of the peasantry, what idiot thought that would work out?” Wilkinson elaborated, sipping out of an Intelligentsia coffee mug.

Sex Moves for Republicans in Bed with the National Rifle Association

A woman's legs on a clean white bed

Are you a Republican lawmaker who is in bed with the National Rifle Association? Feeling like your gun show could use a little...spark? 
Satire V has got you covered: Use these fiery sex moves, and your next session is guaranteed to go out with a bang.

Democracy in Decline: 7 Norms That Donald Trump Has Undermined

Liberal pundits keep talking about how President Donald Trump has undermined American democracy by defying the norms that keep the government running. So what are these norms? And why do we care? Who is the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and what does he do?

Without further ado, these are the top 7 norms that Trump has undermined:

1.     Norm of Mutual Toleration


Capitalist Win! Nation Teaches Little Children to Sell Body Parts for Money

United States of America – From the nation that has learned how to commodify everything from prisons to sex comes a powerful lesson for young children: Leave your body parts under your pillow and rely on the benevolence of an invisible hand to compensate you for natural resources you have painfully extracted!

Talk about a victory for the free market! Micro adults can expect a standardized rate of $1-2 per outside bone, with all prices subject to inflation. Extra sums go to the children of Charles and David Koch. 

Commentators Lamb-ast Tom Brady, Say He’s No Longer the GOAT

After an offensive bleatdown at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, Tom Brady has lost his GOAT status in the minds of many football insiders.

“Yes, he’s defeated a real hooves-who of great teams,” ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith said on Around the Horn. “But it’s udderly absurd and ludicrously e-goat-istical for Patriots fans to claim that Tom Brady is undeniably the GOAT when he can’t even bleat the Eagles without their starting quarterback. That’s one of the most blasphemous things I’ve ever herd. I love you, Brady, but it's clear you're officially pasture prime.”

Report: Majority of NFL Fans Rooting for Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl

Justin Timberlake and a graph that shows him winning a majority of support among NFL fans.

MINNEAPOLIS – According to a joint study by the Pew Research Center and Sports Illustrated, a majority of Americans who consider themselves NFL fans will be rooting for halftime performer Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl LII.

“At first we were surprised by the findings,” said Pew VP of Research Claudia Deane. “But when we took a quick poll around the office, well, it seems the hatred for both of these franchises is overhwlemingly palpable, and Justin Timberlake is a beloved pop icon.”

Scientists Confirm Superior Race is People Who Wear Shorts in December

A man holding a beaker with a man wearing shorts in the snow inside of it.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a chilling new discovery, scientists have finally pinpointed the most advanced race on Earth: people who wear shorts in December. The centuries-long debate has culminated in a conclusion on which we all can agree. 

“Evolution has lead us to this very point,” noted scientist Roger Jennings, his shoulders on full display through his sleeveless undershirt despite sub-zero temperatures. “It started back in October with the three-quarter kaki. From there, the correlation between genetic superiority and pant length was strictly negative.”

Katy Perry Kept Afloat Only by Freshmen Listening to “The One That Got Away (Acoustic)”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Sources close to pop star Katy Perry report that she is staving off bankruptcy solely because lonely college freshmen are listening to the acoustic version of her 2010 hit “The One That Got Away” on repeat.

The Santa Barbara native was once making millions worldwide from her catchy pop-dance ditties and heartfelt ballads. But now she is only able to make ends meet from the residuals she receives as 18-year-olds lament their recently lost high school loves.