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Rudy Giuliani Legally Changes Name to “Widdle Baby” to Avoid Prosecution

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The last few weeks have been tumultuous for the Trump Administration. With the House threatening impeachment and many of Trump’s associates facing jail time, a few of the president’s closest advisors have developed creative solutions to avoid prosecution. Most notably, the politician formerly know Rudy Giuliani has legally changed his name to “Widdle Baby.”

Peace at Last! Joe Biden Pledges to Withdraw Troops from Vietnam

Joe Biden

In a press conference on Tuesday, former Vice President Joe Biden took a staunch anti-war stance and promised to remove all troops from Vietnam within his first two years in office. “President Trump has been lying to us about this war for far too long, and frankly the American people are sick and tired of the violence they learn about day after day on their transistor radios and in moving pictures,” Biden said.  “It’s time we focus less on the Viet Cong and more on the important issues, like fighting climate change and preserving Obamacare.”

New Driver’s License Photo Fastest Cure for Narcissism, Report Psychologists

TUCSON, AZ- A shocking study by the American Psychological Society has discovered simply taking a new driver’s license photo at the Department of Motor Vehicles cures nearly all cases of narcissism. The results of the double-blind study demonstrated that 98% of previously categorized narcissists no longer met the DSM-V criteria for narcissism merely 3 minutes after viewing the close-up taken in flourescent lighting.

Senate Passes H.R. 2529, Confirming There Are, Indeed, No Laws When One Is Drinking Claws

Some Republican Senators with their paws on the Claws with no laws!

WASHINGTON, DC—Late Saturday evening, following months of partisan gridlock, the Senate set aside its differences to unite for the common good. In passing H.R. 2529, the legislature has determined that there are, indeed, no laws that apply to a person who is currently in the process of drinking Claws.

The trending hashtag on Twitter, #whiteclawsnolaws, has been tweeted by figures across the political spectrum. Former Vice President Joe Biden does not know what Twitter is, but he did yell, “Number sign white claws no laws!” at a pigeon early last week.

We Asked Five Anti-Natalists of Various Political Persuasions to Express Their Thoughts on the Trump Whistleblower Affair. Here’s What They Had to Say:

“…that man is a blemish on the cosmos” — Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race

 

“…a monster that kills everything it comes in contact with.” — Thomas Bernhard, Concrete

 

“It may even be indecent for family members to expect that person to continue living.” — David Benatar, Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming into Existence

 

QUIZ: Are These Quotes Billie Eilish Lyrics or Texts from Your Dad's Mistress that Caused Your Parents' Divorce?

1.     You said she’s scared of me? I mean, I don’t see what she sees but maybe it’s cause I’m wearing your cologne.

2.     Don’t worry. She won’t find out. Your kids are too stupid to notice us.

3.     Every time you talk, you talk about me, but you swear I’m not on your mind.

4.     I’ll meet you in the park. I’ll be calm and collected.

5.     You horny babe?

6.     Call me friend but keep me closer. (Call me back!)

7.     You can pretend you don’t miss me. You can pretend you don’t care. All you want to do is kiss me.

US Women's National Team Scores Record 13 in 'Fútbol'/'Football' Mishap

US Women's National Team

REIMS, FRANCE – After confusion regarding which sport they were meant to be playing, the United States opened up their FIFA Women’s World Cup with a resounding 13-0 victory over Thailand on Tuesday.

 

While their opponents resorted mainly to kicking the ball, starting Quarter/Center Back Crystal Dunn threw for over 300 yards and both US touchdowns. Ironically, star striker Alex Morgan missed an extra point kick which would have extended the scoring record even further.

 

“Third Time’s the Charm,” Hillary Clinton Mutters While Staring Placidly into Mirror

CHAPPAQUA, NY: Standing in the bathroom of her Westchester residence, Hillary Clinton was overheard in an attempt at positive manifestation, chanting, “I’m going to become president,” and muttering to no one in particular that “there’s no one who can stop me.” Staring at her own reflection in the polished metal, the 71-year-old politician concluded the tired monologue by trailing off with the words, “third time’s the charm…”

It’s Not Gay If You Vote for Conversion Therapy, Bro

By Former GOP Congressman Aaron Schock

Yes, I made out with a man at Coachella yesterday. Yes, I have been quietly bringing twinks to my apartment in DC for years. Yes, I spent my anti-LGBT campaign contributions on luxurious late-night dates with young men and overpriced tickets to Katy Perry. But before you pass judgment, just remember one thing: I voted against gay marriage, so I can’t be gay. It’s not gay if you vote against LGBT rights, bro.

Just What it Was Intended For: Apple’s Measure App Collects Dick Size of Every Man in America

CUPERTINO, CA- Since introducing its new Measure app in June, Apple has successfully obtained the dick size of every man in America, a spokeswoman for the tech giant announced on Friday.

“It was quite simple, really,” Kathryn Eiss, Apple’s Chair of Public Relations, told reporters. “We were hanging out in Cupertino just shooting the shit, and Monique from accounting was like, ‘I wonder what the real average American dick size is.’ Well, we put our engineers to work on the project right away, but even we couldn’t have guessed how successful it would be.”

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