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Upstart News Anchor Vies for Bill O'Reilly's Timeslot

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News executives were impressed Sunday by a young upstart news anchor who auditioned to replace Bill O'Reilly, the long-time host of The O'Reilly Factor who was recently fired for repeated accusations of sexual harassment.
 
The anchor, who auditioned under the name Phil O'Smiley, is looking to replace the most popular host in cable news. Fox News parent company boss Rupert Murdoch, who is reportedly worried that the network will be hard-pressed to find an equally charismatic host, personally asked O'Smiley to audition.
 

Trump Positions Naval Warships Across from Rosie O'Donnell's House

NEW YORK — After winning bipartisan support for his surprise missile strikes in Syria, President Donald Trump decided to test his newfound political capital by positioning two naval warships across from Rosie O'Donnell's house in Rockland County, NY.
 

Man Writes #MakeAmericaGreatAgain 100 Times in Application Essay, Becomes President

WASHINGTON—Earlier this week, sources uncovered the essay that won over the College of Electors in the most recent presidential application cycle. The essay contained 100 scribbles of “#MakeAmericaGreatAgain” in letters that were considered “YUGE” by linguistic experts.

Disguised Michael Flynn Spotted Near Canadian Border

AROOSTOOK COUNTY, ME – After the Senate rejected former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn's request for immunity in exchange for testimony to the FBI, sources reported that Flynn has been sighted near the US-Canada border in Maine.

2017 MLB Season Preview

Before the 2017 Major League Baseball season is in full swing, Satire V is here to break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the key teams:
 
Cleveland Indians
Strengths: Last year's American League champions have one of the best pitchers in baseball, Corey Kluber.
Weaknesses: They could be facing a lot of protests, as some liberal snowflakes find their mascot Chief Wahoo offensive, for some reason.
 
Chicago Cubs

Visitors to Las Vegas Eager to Add Raiders Games to List of Activities They Don’t Remember

LAS VEGAS, NV — After NFL owners voted 31-1 to move the formerly Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas for the 2019 season, initial marketing reports suggest tourists visiting Sin City are excited to add Raiders games to the list of events they attended while paralytically drunk and unable to encode memories.

Paul Ryan Asks for Last-Minute Extension on Health Care Bill

WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan frantically emailed his TF in an attempt to secure a last-minute extension on the GOP health care bill that was supposed to be due Friday evening. "Hi Donald," began Ryan's email. "I was wondering if it would be possible for me to get an extension on the health care assignment due today.

March Madness: Preview of Sweet 16

Kansas vs. Purdue

Purdue and Kansas are both ranked top 10 in the country in shooting percentage and worst states to go to college in.

Oregon vs. Michigan

GOP Healthcare Plan Subsidizes Knives to Stab High-Risk Patients to Death

WASHINGTON – The Congressional GOP plan to replace the Affordable Care Act includes a provision that will lower premium costs by subsidizing knives with which to stab high-risk patients to death.
 
"Look, the problem with Obamacare is that healthy people are paying for sick people's insurance. This plan will bring down premiums by eliminating high-risk patients," said House Speaker Paul Ryan. "And by eliminating I mean repeatedly stabbing until they are no longer alive."
 

The Court of Jeff Is Now in Sessions

Clerk: All rise. The First District Court of Jeff is now in session.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, ladies and Jefftlemen. We’ll be hearing the case of Jeff versus Geoff today. Are the prosecution and the Jeffense ready?

Jeff Bridges: Ready for Jeff, Your Honor.

Jeff Bezos: Ready for Geoff, Your Honor.

Sessions: Will Jeff please swear in the jury?

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