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Scaramucci accused of killing his brother, Mufasamucci

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a week of bizarre antics from Scaramucci, yet another gobstopping fact may have just been revealed about the (former) White House Communications Director: a few months ago, he allegedly murdered his brother Mufasamucci by letting go of his arm and letting him fall into a pack of rampaging hyenamuccis.
 

Six Proven Steps for Being Completely Transparent About Lying About Treason

Donald Trump Jr.
  1. Lying

Before you can reveal the truth, you must first lie about your potentially treasonous exchanges with foreign agents. You can’t ultimately claim to be transparent by Tweeting out smoking-gun emails if you don’t first lie about them for a year (at least).

  1. Keep Lying

Malcolm Gladwell Spends 10,000 Hours Being Fucking Stupid

WEST VILLAGE, NY — Reports indicate that celebrated author and speaker Malcolm Gladwell, notable for promoting the assertion that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert in a field, has been hard at work practicing being a complete moron. While many dabble in being dumb, very few can say they have mastered the activity. But now, Gladwell can count himself among the preeminent idiots of the world, having devoted 10,000 hours of his life to being fucking stupid.

ESPN's NBA Award Races Breakdown

Five of our most "in" Insider™ experts offer their collective insights on this season's most interesting award races.

 

Most Valuable Player

Russell Westbrook

- Paced the league in cupcake references (1.2) per 36 minutes. Personally ensured that 20% of team didn't touch the ball all season.

James Harden

Satire V38: Triple-Doubles Are Cool and Russell Westbrook Is The Best

 
Although Russell Westbrook averaged a triple-double for the entire series, the Oklahoma City Thunder were eliminated from the first round of the NBA Playoffs last night by James Harden's Houston Rockets.
 
Some have called this the smoking gun that proves that Westbrook's selfish stat-padding and triple-double hunting destroyed the Thunder's chances of contending this season.
 

Upstart News Anchor Vies for Bill O'Reilly's Timeslot

NEW YORK, NY – Fox News executives were impressed Sunday by a young upstart news anchor who auditioned to replace Bill O'Reilly, the long-time host of The O'Reilly Factor who was recently fired for repeated accusations of sexual harassment.
 
The anchor, who auditioned under the name Phil O'Smiley, is looking to replace the most popular host in cable news. Fox News parent company boss Rupert Murdoch, who is reportedly worried that the network will be hard-pressed to find an equally charismatic host, personally asked O'Smiley to audition.
 

Trump Positions Naval Warships Across from Rosie O'Donnell's House

NEW YORK — After winning bipartisan support for his surprise missile strikes in Syria, President Donald Trump decided to test his newfound political capital by positioning two naval warships across from Rosie O'Donnell's house in Rockland County, NY.
 

Man Writes #MakeAmericaGreatAgain 100 Times in Application Essay, Becomes President

WASHINGTON—Earlier this week, sources uncovered the essay that won over the College of Electors in the most recent presidential application cycle. The essay contained 100 scribbles of “#MakeAmericaGreatAgain” in letters that were considered “YUGE” by linguistic experts.

Disguised Michael Flynn Spotted Near Canadian Border

AROOSTOOK COUNTY, ME – After the Senate rejected former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn's request for immunity in exchange for testimony to the FBI, sources reported that Flynn has been sighted near the US-Canada border in Maine.

2017 MLB Season Preview

Before the 2017 Major League Baseball season is in full swing, Satire V is here to break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the key teams:
 
Cleveland Indians
Strengths: Last year's American League champions have one of the best pitchers in baseball, Corey Kluber.
Weaknesses: They could be facing a lot of protests, as some liberal snowflakes find their mascot Chief Wahoo offensive, for some reason.
 
Chicago Cubs

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