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Apple Debuts iPhone XXX, Revolutionizes Sex Toy Industry

CUPERTINO, CA - Earlier today, Tim Cook shocked Apple aficionados and Geniuses alike by unveiling Apple's most revolutionary product to date, the iPhone XXX. The iPhone X, it seems, was merely a warm up act for one of the "greatest innovations of our time."

"We've disrupted every industry you can think of. Music, TV, news, telecom; the list goes on," Cook said. "It was about time we broke through to the one industry that accounts for over 20% of the time people actually spend on our devices, porn."

Gnome Chomsky Criticizes U.S. Hedgemony

WALTHAM, MA — In a conference for Boston-area academics last night, leading intellectual Gnome Chomsky issued a statement criticizing U.S. hedgemony.

Looking At Porn is Absolutely The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

Porn Star Ted Cruz
By Ted Cruz
 
My fellow Americans, I'll admit it: I made a mistake. I entrusted a member of my staff– I won't say whose, I mean which, member– with my Twitter account, and that person liked a tweet that contained porn. Now I'm going to apologize for this, which is definitely the worst thing I have ever done in my political career.
 

Area Mom Wondering If It’s Been Long Enough To Buy Tiki Torches Again

CANTON, OH - Sources say that area mom Linda S. Givings has been contemplating purchasing a Tiki brand torch for her backyard, but is worried that their recent use as a neo-nazi symbol may still prevent her from doing so. While the torches are exactly the kind of look she’s going for, they also possibly continue to serve as an unsettling reminder of just how racist the underbelly of America can be.
 

Nation Agrees It Must At Least Pretend to Care About Florida

As the most powerful Atlantic storm in recorded history battered the United States mainland, the nation kept Florida in its prayers, but also decided that the state kind of had it coming anyway.

“Hurricane Irma is causing mass destruction to all in its path with winds reaching up to 185 miles per hour,” Sandra Zuckerman of the National Hurricane Center said. “But then again, Florida is also the reason Bush was elected.”

As Florida residents boarded up their homes and stockpiled food, water, and gasoline, the nation debated just how much pity was warranted.

Irma to Visit Ethel, Maureen, and Gladys in Boca Raton This Weekend

Irma and the gang.

BOCA RATON – Things are sure to spin out of control this weekend when area octogenarian Irma visits her friends Ethel, Maureen, and Gladys at the Sunny Vistas Assisted Living Center in Boca Raton, Florida.

Steve Bannon Destroyed After General Kelly Finds Sixth Horcrux

WASHINGTON, DC — Emitting a glass-shattering scream at the frequency of a dog-whistle and withering away into thousands of flakes of infected skin, White House Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was reportedly defeated today after Chief of Staff John F. Kelly located and destroyed his sixth and final horcrux.
 
"Curse you, wretched boy!" the former Breitbart News executive chair howled as Kelly plunged the fabled sword of Eisenhower into Bannon's metaphorical pet serpent, It's-About-Heritage-Not-Hate. "I should have destroyed you when I had the chance!"

Scaramucci accused of killing his brother, Mufasamucci

WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a week of bizarre antics from Scaramucci, yet another gobstopping fact may have just been revealed about the (former) White House Communications Director: a few months ago, he allegedly murdered his brother Mufasamucci by letting go of his arm and letting him fall into a pack of rampaging hyenamuccis.
 

Six Proven Steps for Being Completely Transparent About Lying About Treason

Donald Trump Jr.
  1. Lying

Before you can reveal the truth, you must first lie about your potentially treasonous exchanges with foreign agents. You can’t ultimately claim to be transparent by Tweeting out smoking-gun emails if you don’t first lie about them for a year (at least).

  1. Keep Lying

Malcolm Gladwell Spends 10,000 Hours Being Fucking Stupid

WEST VILLAGE, NY — Reports indicate that celebrated author and speaker Malcolm Gladwell, notable for promoting the assertion that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to become an expert in a field, has been hard at work practicing being a complete moron. While many dabble in being dumb, very few can say they have mastered the activity. But now, Gladwell can count himself among the preeminent idiots of the world, having devoted 10,000 hours of his life to being fucking stupid.

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