Here at Harvard, we’re all stressed out and in need of time to relax. And we get it, everyone does striptease in the dining hall from time to time. But it seems like a day doesn’t go by without someone barging in on our lunches with a striptease that’s downright disrespectful. (#thestruggleisreal) Next time, make sure you’re aware of the people you might be disturbing. We here at Satire V have some striptease etiquette tips for some of our cruddier classmates:
Playing sexy music too loud
There’s nothing worse than quietly eating your lunchtime curly fries, minding your own business, and suddenly hearing “I’m A Slave 4 U” blasting from some nearby speakers louder than a jet engine. Seriously, guys, we can hear your sexually charged tunes from all the way across the house! So next time you striptease in the dining hall, be polite and keep the volume to a minimum.
Stepping into other people’s food
I think we can all think of a time when some student gyrated on the table so intensely that they step right into our Spiced Red Chicken. Hello, can you even see? Step around my food, please.
Pole dancing in line
Uuuuuuuuuggggggghhhhh. Nobody likes having to wait for the person at the front of the line to finish their pole dancing routine to finally eat. Everyone else pole dances at their table, where they aren’t holding up everyone and their mother. We just want our delish Ranger Cookies—not to wait for you to do gymnastics.
Suggestively eating ice cream straight from the dispenser
We see you, kid from down the hall. Nobody wants to see you scantily clad, standing straight under the soft serve machine letting the ice cream fall into your mouth before overflowing and falling onto your bare chest. Put the ice cream into a bowl first! It’s not that hard, guys.
Disappointing your father
Hey, we all have a parent whose unrelenting disapproval gave us that deep-seated inferiority complex we still struggle with today. But don't give your poor dad a heart attack as you striptease in the dhall!
Having a backup thong
If we all follow these simple rules for how to behave when we’re stripteasing in the dhall, we’ll all have a great time, okay? #dudethatsnude