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Freshman Smited After Sparknotes-ing the Bible for Hum 10

God obliterates Silber for cutting corners in Hum 10.

On Friday, God threw a bolt of lightning from the heavens and obliterated Bethany A. Silber ’21 as punishment for Sparknotes-ing the Bible for her Humanities Colloquium class.

An ominous voice boomed from the sky moments before Silber was struck as she left Lionel for section. Mower resident Devin P. Hamilton ’21 recalls, “When I first heard the voice, I thought someone was just playing Morgan Freeman’s scenes from Bruce Almighty, but then I realized that it was actually coming from the clouds.”

Carrie Montenegro ’21, Silber’s roommate, struggled to think of anything truly damning that Silber had done to incur the Lord’s wrath. “I mean, Bethany just seemed like the nicest girl. Totally not the type you think God would want to turn into ashes. She did dress up as slutty Pope Francis for Halloween, though.”

Upon further introspection, Montenegro recalled that Silber skimmed through the chapters of the Bible on Sparknotes on Thursday night. Silber flipped briefly through the New Testament summary before googling “Bible summary in five minutes.”

Montenegro mused, “It actually makes a ton of sense now that I think about it. Just before I saw the lightning, I heard this disembodied voice go, ‘The New Testament is the easiest part,’ and then BOOM, and then next thing you know I have a single.”

At press time, the Crimson Key Society had already incorporated Silber’s ashes into its Harvard tour. T-shirts bearing the slogan “I Took Hum 10 and Didn’t Get Smited” are projected to be the hottest fashion item for freshmen with something to prove this fall.

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