Cambridge, MA – Their appetites whetted by Friday’s Activities Fair, the Class of 2019 is eagerly getting ready to be systematically excluded from the rich extracurricular life at Harvard.
Maria Friteman, a freshman in Canaday, said she was amazed to find out there were over ten a cappella groups she could potentially not be good enough for, and two that she couldn’t even try out for because of her gender. “It’s so cool to know that even though I’m included in the very exclusive community of Harvard, there are still smaller, even more exclusive communities that I can continue to be rejected from.”
Several other bright-eyed freshmen expressed similar sentiments about the music, theater, publication, and even social opportunities on campus. “I’m feeling really good about my chances of being left out this year,” said Tim Yonkers, making his case stronger by wearing a pale yellow Pennypacker t-shirt and swinging his Harvard lanyard. “I already got rejected from four different classes because I’m not experienced enough, old enough, it wasn’t my concentration, and because the benevolent hand of chance dictated it. So I’m really looking forward to being barred from my pursuing my interests outside the classroom as well.”
Some students have gotten a head start and are already left out of their dream clubs, like Abe Formes, who was denied membership from the HBS (Harvard Beekeeping Society). The grad board, a group of alumni who are inexplicably invested in the running of an undergraduate organization, said Abe didn’t have enough prior experience. “It’s really validating to know there are so many things I’m still not good enough at, no matter how much I love doing them,” mumbled Formes through a swarm of subpar bees.
Kennedy Buchanan, dressed in a suit jacket and salmon shorts, may not be so lucky. “I’ve already been punched by every final club on campus, three a cappella groups, and the Harvard Lampoon. I’m illiterate, but they said humor is subjective. Those beekeepers from HBS even literally punched me. Like I haven’t even done anything and I’m basically already accepted into this diverse group of clubs just because of my lack of diversity. It sucks.”
The culture of elitism and exclusion has its detractors, however. The Harvard Country Club, for example, welcomes any and all members, regardless of literally anything. Many criticize the club as too concerned with what the club does, rather than who is doing it. President Keith Williams says this doesn’t matter. “At this point I have no idea what we do or who’s in this club. We’ve had an email thread going on for three years that’s just people making country puns. It started with Djibouti and spiraled from there.” Williams’s phone pinged.
“My roommate is terrible to watch stuff with, I always have to Rwanda movie.” Williams gave a short exhale through his nose. There was a pause.
“Is this what we are now?”*
Despite this vocal minority, most freshmen have no qualms about the opportunities denied to them. Said Yonkers, “What’s the point of doing something if you’re not better than most others at it? And what’s the point of being better than others if you can’t rub that in their face?” Yonkers’ face lit up. “I heard one group even calls their clubhouse a “castle” just to reinforce their manufactured hierarchy.” His face fell into a nervous frown. “God, I hope they reject me.”
Some are even looking forward to next year, when they will be blocked from using many convenient dining halls on mysterious days at mysterious times for the sake of “building community.” As a now completely bee-coated Formes whispers, “The doors are just gonna keep slamming in my face.”
*Editor’s note: at press time, the Harvard Country Club has disbanded due to lack of funding and purpose.
