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Barker Café Is The Worst And This Is The Hill I Will Die On

Barker Cafe

By Jess Sarkisian 

Listen up you hipster-wannabee, Fjällräven-toting, Moleskine-obsessed pieces of crap: the Barker Center Café sucks. There, I said it. No matter how many shitty pieces of semi-autobiographical works you have cranked out there, or how staunchly you believe that objectivity is an illusion, you have to admit that Barker Café is objectively gross. So sit your ass down (if you can find a seat, that is) and listen up.

Before you pretentious, English-concentrating, pseudo-intellectuals come after me, let’s discuss the facts. The coffee is disgusting. It’s bitterer than you were the third time you were rejected from The Advocate. Care for some iced coffee? Well you can't order it, because they don’t have ice. What kind of food establishment does not have access to one of water's most popular forms? I suppose "frozen" is not a pretentious enough state of matter.

I get it: you want a place where you can work on your Hist and Lit assignment while feeling like a fancy writer in a coffee shop that isn’t Starbucks. But have you ever actually ordered anything from the Barker Center Café? The food is adequate at best and the sandwiches are overpriced. It takes 30 minutes for them to make a panini and the muffins are drier than your half-assed analysis of Titus Andronicus. You could get a much better selection across the street at Lamont Café.  Oh, sorry, I forgot that you’re too good for Lamont because you once skimmed a book by James Joyce.

No matter how much you love its atmosphere, physically the atmosphere resembles a blast furnace inside of Florida swamp. It defies the laws of physics (not that you’d know, since you’re trying to fulfill your SPU requirement with your freshman seminar on Ralph Waldo Emerson). 
 
 
 
 
(Image: The Harvard Crimson)
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