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A Generic Statement about Sexual Assault

Ben Affleck
Gee, if only someone in power could do something about this pattern of harassment that I have witnessed.

By a Powerful Male Celebrity

I must start off this statement by mentioning that I am sad and angry. Everyone is sad and angry, but not as sad and angry as me, a powerful man who has never had to worry about jeopardizing his career by resisting the advances of a powerful sexual predator. I felt absolutely sick when I read the allegations this morning. My head was spinning, and I even vomited in the sink a little. Then I remembered that I forgot to take my daily Excedrin, and everything was better — just not for the dozens of women whose lives have been permanently ruined.

Who could have known? Besides the allegations made by countless victims, not to mention the decades of rumors that came before, nobody could tell anything was wrong. Not me, a guy who systematically benefitted from the suppression of information about this prolonged abuse. And surely not the thousands of other people who have found themselves in all-too-similar situations with authority figures. I mean, it totally blows my mind. I’m disappointed and shocked, and also sad and angry.

This is completely unacceptable, and we must do something to stop it. Women are our sisters, friends, daughters, step-daughters, step-daughter’s friends, grocery store attendants, publicists, Uber drivers, and step-daughter's friend's housemaids. My barista, Jill, is a woman, and I would be very upset if she were sexually assaulted. Not only because she makes my cappuccinos extra foamy, but also because she is a person. Women are people. Have I mentioned they are our daughters?

We must make sure this doesn't happen to others. I say "we" because it's a group effort, people, and I'm really drawing a blank here. Does anyone have any ideas? How about you guys get together and brainstorm some real fast? It's just that I have this meeting, and I'm a really busy man. You know how it is. Don’t worry — I’ll totally donate to Planned Parenthood afterward. 

Besides, I’m definitely doing my part. I'm posting this statement as a screenshot of a note on Twitter, and you know how vicious Twitter can be towards women. Of course, I am not a woman, which is why posting this public statement takes so much courage. But I am not a hero. Okay, fine: I am a hero.

We must believe victims. We must support those who come forward. We must condemn bad behavior when we see it. And then we must say: “Oops. Who could have known?”


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