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Harvard Lifehacks: How to Get the Senior Spring Minotaur to Stop Following You

What's the deal with these prehistoric monsters who relentlessly track you through darkness and light, ford and quagmire? #relatable

Shut your pie hole and get ready to learn yourself a thing or two. It’s me, the best advice-giver in all of Harvard and I’m primed and ready to rain some wisdom on this shit. Have a question? Throw it at me. Got two? Even better. Hundreds? Nothing will stop me from your onslaught of queries: I am a humanoid Google. Email me your questions and I, the Oracle of Harvard, will give you the highest quality answers imaginable. Let’s get cracking.

 

What is with that half-human, half-bull monster who literally does nothing but terrorize you during your last semester of Harvard?

Truth! It’s like, Harvard is already too stressful, you know? I really don’t need another monster following me on top of my thesis!!! Seriously, I can’t even with this. Unfortunately, no Harvard student who has been tracked by the senior spring minotaur has ever escaped. The good news is that Harvard will mail your diploma to you if you’re too busy running from a monster to attend commencement.

 

Is it weird if I start dating this semester, even though my only possible dating locations are subterranean chambers bathed in utter darkness that I must continually sprint through to avoid being gored by the Minotaur’s terrible horns?

Sure, why not? Dimly lit rooms can be romantic. I remember my first date during freshman year. It was WILD. We met at Widener gate and walked into the Square. After dinner at Daedalus (TBH the only good restaurant around here #sorrynotsorry) we descended into a deep crack into the earth that I had never noticed before. He led me down a corridor to the left, then to the right, and then another right, and then we walked for a few miles and I sort of lost track of all the turns. I was a little scared, but his gruff voice reassured me that I was home now. It was so dreamy.

 

Why won’t my TF love me back?

We’ve all been there, but dating your TF probably isn’t a great idea. My comp sci TF last semester was just SMOKING. He was tall, built, and has medium-length black hair that covered most of his head. He had a nose ring (such a rebel!) and sleek horns that shot out from his forehead. Whenever I went to section, the rest of the world just kind of fell away—I was just that entranced, you know? Well, it turns out that I wasn’t actually in section but was in fact in the labyrinth of Minos, king of Crete. And my TF still hasn’t stopped following me. So rude, right???

 

What’s the greatest skill you’ve learned outside of the classroom?

Good question! So, before I came to Harvard I was super socially awkward. Like I don’t even know how I survived, it was that awkward XD. But now I definitely understand subtle social cues. Particularly when those social cues involve being challenged to a duel. In high school, I don’t think I’d know a battle to the death began if someone said it straight to my face! But now I know that whenever I hear the hurried marching of bovine hooves racing toward me, ever faster, ever more violent, it’s not just a stranger being friendly – it’s a mythological beast come to engage in mortal combat! It’s the little things like that that I’m really grateful that Harvard’s taught me.

 

Tell me that advice wasn’t spot-on. Till next time, numbskulls.

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