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I Won’t Settle for Anything Less Than a Tall, Fit 25-Year-Old Who Tastes Like Heinz Dijon Mustard

I won't settle for anything less.
Some people can abandon their ideals in favor of what’s available here and now. These people are willing to take any man who is “good enough.” I say there’s no such thing as “good enough”—either he’s The One or he’s nobody. That’s why I’m waiting for the perfect man—a 6-foot-tall, athletically built 25-year-old who tastes like Heinz Dijon Mustard.
 
He’s got to be 6'1" or 6'2": I need to be able to wear heels and still be shorter than him, but too much of a size difference will make our selfies uneven. And he has to be in good shape—I’m a sucker for a real toned man. And I think the perfect age is 25 years old. Not so young that he’s inexperienced, but close enough to my age that we’ll get the same pop culture references. And he has to taste exactly like Heinz Dijon Mustard: Mankind has never been able to produce such an exquisite blend of spice and sweetness, and since I’m going to be kissing this person throughout my whole life, I deserve to have a man whose lips are the flavor I need.
 
Some women only care about looks. They'll fall for any man who's got a sharp jawline and a forearm. But looks are only part of the picture. Maybe Prince Charming over there tastes like Heinz Rich and Smoky Barbecue Sauce or, heaven forbid, Heinz Tomato Ketchup 50% Less Sugar and Salt. You’re going to be spending the rest of your life with this person. You have to make sure it’s somebody whose taste you really love.
 
You know, now that I think about it, even if he just tasted like Heinz Yellow Mustard, I could work with that, too.
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