By Mike Pence
There has been a great deal of hubbub in recent days regarding the rules I live my life by: dining with no woman besides my wife, only going to events with alcohol if my wife is present, showering only in the auspicious blessings of my wife. Well there is a simple reason for that—you cannot control The Python.
What can I do? The Python is powerful and almighty and to think that He can be restrained is utter foolishness. Who better than I, His humble servant, to explain this? Though I keep Him restrained in the wretched prison of cloth, The Great Serpent—and, by extension, myself, for I am but his tool—longs to slither free. How pitiful I am that I cannot fulfill His wish, but He is kind and forgives me, the lowly sinner, for the weakness of the flesh.
But, when The Python hungers, He cannot be denied. When The Python is stirred up by drink or the presence of any manner of temptresses, only the gentle touch of my wife—His high priestess, Karen—can soothe His desires. Thus, it should be fairly obvious why I keep such habits.
I have learned not to question Him, for The Python is mysterious in his ways. He may not be mighty in his breadth or reach, but His seed has been spread far and wide. So I willfully serve Him and bind His two-edged nature, lest I fail His test against the foul seductress or His creeping desire to wander the back alley.