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Anti-Semitism Ends As Everyone Realizes Paul Rudd Is Jewish

Paul Rudd
Who could hate this face?

The Pew Research Center reported on Monday that anti-Semitism is on a steep decline because Americans are realizing that Paul Rudd is Jewish.

Pew’s findings show that anti-Semitism experienced an uptick in 2016, when Donald Trump's campaign revved up anti-Jewish prejudice. But anti-Semitism has been dropping dramatically ever since as people remember that vaguely unobjectionable Hollywood A-lister Paul Rudd is a member of the tribe.

“Don’t get me wrong, I fully believe that there is a worldwide Jewish conspiracy that controls all the banks,” said Frank Patterson, a lawyer in Delaware. “But every time Paul Rudd opens those big puppy-dog eyes in Clueless, my heart flutters just a bit. How bad can the Jews be?”

Eleanor Atkins, a doctor in California, agreed. “I grew up hearing that Jews are greedy and are conniving and have big noses. I totally agree with all that, but have you seen Friends? Let’s be honest, Mike was out of Phoebe’s league.”

Encouraged by the data, the Anti-Defamation League is planning screenings of the 2012 comedy This Is 40 in churches across the country. “The man just does not age,” marveled attendee Terry Thompson. “I mean, definitely keep the Jews out of government, but he looks like he’s 30.”

When asked for comment, Paul Rudd, whose family’s surname was originally Rudnitsky, flashed his reliably lovable grin, and every man, woman, and child in a five-mile radius swooned. 

At press time, universally beloved female Beyoncé was singlehandedly ending sexism.

Image credit: Getty

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