The pedophile community last week expressed dismay over the recent rise in childhood obesity, adding its voice to the chorus of physicians and dieticians concerned with expanding waistlines in our schools.

A group of local teens were reportedly
crestfallen after their deaf, dumb, and blind friend, Arnie Marcus, proved himself completely inept at Pinball. Dashing expectations set by The Who’s “Pinball Wizard,” Marcus showed no signs of smelling the ball, tilted a number of times, had difficulty getting the quarter into the machine, and somehow broke his foot.