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Don’t Worry About Me, I Am Literally So Excited To Fucking Die

Bleached coral
A coral walks into a bar and orders a glass of bleach

by Coral Reef

Hi, it’s me, Coral Reef! No, not coal reef. C-O-R-A-L reef. I’ve been around for thousands of years protecting your coastlines and providing food and shelter for millions of organisms. Well, it’s exhausting, but thanks for asking. My exoskeleton is getting whiter and whiter. I’m getting old! The fact that the above-average temperature of the water is causing me to expel the algae in my tissue and therefore lose my beautiful color is an unrelated coincidence.

Lately, a few little fishies have been warning me about the state of affairs. They’re saying that carbon emissions are increasing, wildfires are increasing, food shortages are increasing, coral reefs are not increasing and actually they’re dying, blah blah blah. I am a bit apprehensive about these wild claims. The microplastics embedded in their fish guts have stunted their brains as well as their growth.

Don’t worry, you’re gonna live to read bedtime stories to your grandchildren. They’ll perch up on your oxygen tank as you wheeze out The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. “What’s a tree, Grandfather?” they’ll ask. Perhaps you’ll have difficulty looking them in the eye, but there are gonna be so many wildfires that everyone will be wearing sunglasses 24/7 anyway. Children are assholes. You know what’s better than a child? First of all, bacon wrapped shrimp! Second of all, a sack of coal you can drag around on a leash. A sack of coal you can drag around on a leash would never do dumb shit like skip school to make loud noises outside a government building or sign an online protest vowing to remain celibate until they know their children can have “clean air.” 

Believe me, it’s not a big issue that temperatures are rising at an unprecedented rate. Life is a buffet of fast cars and bacon wrapped shrimp. Eat as many bacon wrapped shrimp as you can in the next 20 years, because pretty soon I, as well as approximately one quarter of all ocean life, will cease to exist as you know it. Remember, life is short, and possibly made even shorter due to the negative effects of coal-fired power plants on air quality.

Honestly, I don’t really care at this point what you do. By all means, continue cooking your steaks, burning your fuels, turning up the air conditioner while your windows are open, you literal morons, as long as it accelerates my death. You have made it extremely difficult for me to live already and you might as well finish what you started. Again, I am — and I cannot stress this enough — literally so excited to fucking die. 

© 2019
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