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Pineapple Pizza is Awesome, Man! by Guy Fieri vs. Fuck You by Anthony Bourdain

Satire V was able to get the two celebrity chefs to weigh in on this controversial debate.
Pineapple Pizza is Awesome, Man!
 
By Guy Fieri
 
Hey, man! I've heard there's been some controversy surrounding my favorite pizza topping: pineapple. Some people say pineapple doesn't belong on pizza, but they're just party poopers! Put a little pineapple on your pizza, and you'll be riding the bus to Flavor Town in no time, man! Pineapple pizza is off the hook! Alright!
 
Fuck You
 
By Anthony Bourdain
 
I say this with all sincerity: fuck you, Guy Fieri. Fuck you and your pineapple fucking pizza. Have you ever eaten pizza before, you good-for-nothing douchebag? No? I should have realized that, with all the time you spend poisoning Americans' minds and stuffing their guts with all the most unnecessarily greasy and oversized food under the sun, you wouldn't have found the time to eat a slice of pizza. Pizza. Real pizza. With the crust cooked to perfection, gooey mozzarella cheese, and just the right amount of red sauce. That's the good stuff. That's pizza.
 
I'm an adventurous guy. I've eaten some crazy shit: the still-beating heart of a cobra, bull penis, fetal duck egg, raw seal eyeball, and roasted sheep's testicles, to name a few. But I would never dare to defile God's gift to humanity with the acidic, watery bitterness of pineapple.
 
So fuck you, Guy Fieri. You insolent, useless, dumb slob. I think I'd rather eat your roasted testicles than be forced to bear the unbearable shame of eating pineapple pizza.
 
© 2017
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