SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Urban Outfitters Debuts “Emotionally Distant Father Jeans”

Clothing stores will debut "emotionally distant father jeans."

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Citing the popularity of "mom jeans" and "boyfriend jeans," clothing stores around the country will soon begin selling "emotionally distant father jeans." The new style is one of several available for women who can't seem to wear their own fucking denim.

Previewed at select Urban Outfitters locations this month, the "emotionally distant father" jeans are stiff and utilitarian, with a raw underside. Their tough exterior is supposedly immune to stains, bad weather, and pleas to come to your middle school piano recital because they “didn't attend last year.”

While "mom jeans" are appealing for their retro 1990s style and "boyfriend jeans" for their loose comfort, "emotionally distant dad jeans" are notable for their unrelenting painfulness. The jeans come in boot-cut, straight-leg, and "distressed," just like you after your dad married someone 11 years his junior. 

Based on the success of “emotionally distant dad jeans,” retailers may consider rolling out “racially insensitive aunt jeans” or “tragically single sister” jeans at a later time.

© 2018
Category: