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Desperate Senior Girl Decides Sophomores Who Took Gap Years Are Probably Fair Game

Smith chats up a sophomore who took a gap year.

Anna H. Smith, a senior in Currier, decided on Sunday that sophomores who took gap years are probably fair game.

“Hey, look, I don’t feel great about this,” Smith said defensively. “It’s just that I already know everyone in my grade, and they are literally all dumpster fires, so I have to get creative.”

Smith clarified that she has not actually pursued any sophomores who took gap years, but if the opportunity presented itself, she would definitely consider it. “Spending a year paddling through the rivers of Argentina really matures you, right?” Smith pondered. “I mean, what is a gap year for if not to prepare yourself mentally and physically to bang a senior?”

As she lowered her age limit on Tinder, Smith declared, “These guys should realize I’m the whole package: I’m smart, I’m pretty, and my government-issued ID can legally purchase alcohol in the state of Massachusetts.” She proceeded to change her Tinder photos from headshots that she took at a Delta Gamma mixer to pictures that show her presenting her ID to a cashier, receiving a thumbs-up from the cashier, and leaving the store with a bottle of entirely lawful Rubinoff.

Smith’s roommate, Kelly E. Beckett, retorted over dinner that Smith should set her standards higher than kids who still do not have concentrations. “Hey, November 9 is right around the corner,” Smith replied.

At press time, Smith was emailing her tutor to try to score an invite to Currier's Sophomore Dinner.

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