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Excerpts from Rejected Expos 40 Applications

Now you'll never learn how to use one of these babies.

This week, students across the College applied to and were rejected from Expos 40: Public Speaking Practicum. Satire V received an exclusive list of their applications, excerpted below.

...as a freshman, I believe...

...because I am a freshman, I want to...
 
...freshman...
 
...fresh...
 
...wanted to take Expos 40 ever since I was a freshman in high school...
 
...now that I'm a sophomore...
 
...being a sophomore means...
 
...sophomore year, but this year, as a freshman, I want to...
 
...having not lotteried for this class before, I...
 
...when I lotteried for this class two years ago...
 
....having lotteried for this class four times, I...
 
...having lotteried five times...
 
....lotteried six times...
 
....seventeen times...
 
...loved public speaking ever since reading Lincoln's Gettysburg address. It goes: Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers...fitting and proper that...so nobly advanced. It...last full measure of devotion...shall not perish from the earth. Personally, I think that's a good speech because...and also because...but mostly because...which is why I love both Abraham Lincoln and Expos 40.
 
...having lotteried fourscore and seven times....
 
...having never really spoken in public before...
 
...willing to give up my fifteen-year vow of silence...
 
...being a second-semester senior who's won the Hamilton lottery more times...
 
...as the super-super-senior who washed your car every day for the last three years, and as someone who has twice caught your two-year-old when she crawled off your third-story balcony...
 
...because I have a stressful, high-visibility job that involves lots of public speaking to donors, the board of overseers, and more donors, not to mention having to deal with finding a replacement before June 2018...
 
...people tell me I'm fine at public speaking, good, even, but I was never satisfied with "fine," with "good." I wanted "perfect." You can ask Joe Biden how long I spent on my eight State of the Union addresses...
 
...even though Harvard is a secular university, may God smile on me and grant me the good fortune to enroll in Expos 40, and perhaps grant the same good fortune to a few of my Cardinals...
 
...and you can find sixteen bitcoin at bit.ly/sdlk2e no questions asked...
 
...as a freshman who's lotteried for this course 315 times...
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