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Fickle Hand of Fate David Malan Giveth Stress Balls, Taketh Away Free Time

Malan giveth, Malan taketh away.

Cambridge, MA—Aching with the power bestowed upon him by divine right, CS50 professor David Malan, 37, announced on Friday that his capricious will knows no master.  

“You see this mug?” Malan asked, brandishing the CS50 branded container before the mewling crowd in Sanders Theater. "This means nothing to me,” he added, before smashing the mug into the floor. “You there, in the front” Malan said, addressing a member of the audience. "You no longer have to go to section, but you’re now taking this class for a letter grade.”

Sources confirm that Malan compared himself extensively to the cruel winds of fortune, the inexorability of history, and the quickening approach of death. Sources say Malan, moving quickly through the lecture, stopped to gawk at the fearful expressions in the crowd in comparison with his own immense power. 

“Look how your fragile psyche quivers before me, David Malan, a living god,” he proclaimed. "Malan giveth,” he said, handing a student a stress ball in one hand and a p-set in the other, “Malan taketh away.” 

Stories about Malan’s fickle temperament comes on the heels of CS50’s controversial “I am CS50” pledge-a-thon, wherein students swore an oath of undying fealty to Professor Malan in exchange for emoji balloons and the use of a free photo booth. This is especially damaging in light of the recent revelation that Malan unsuccessfully bid to have the IRS classify and tax CS50 as a religious organization in 2013. 

At press time, Malan announced that CS50 would now feature a personal massage therapist, but students’ lowest scoring homework grade could no longer be dropped.

 

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