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Harvard Men’s Sports Team Embarrassed That It Still Uses Paper Files to Rate Women

The team has been storing their ratings alongside the Delphic Club's.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A Harvard men’s sports team expressed embarrassment on Friday that it still uses old-fashioned paper files to sexually demean women.

“We need to keep up with the times,” the team wrote in a statement. “We are ashamed that our filing methods are so outdated.”

The team’s remorse comes after the men’s cross country team, which used Excel to derogatorily discuss women, was put on athletic probation and the men’s soccer team, which employed a Google Group to draft misogynistic scouting reports, faced the cancellation of its season. “We should not be falling behind our peers,” the statement said. “The cross country and soccer teams are at the cutting edge of ways to treat women like objects only meant for our sexual gratification. We need to pick up our game.”

Rather than typing up their unsolicited appraisals of women’s bodies like real men, the members of the team handwrite their opinions on yellow legal pads, place their notes in manila folders, organize those folders according to the women’s bra sizes, and store the folders in three large filing cabinets. “There’s got to be a more efficient way to degrade women,” team member Carl P. Williams ’19 said angrily. “Some teams use the discussion section on Canvas.” 

Williams continued, “We have to stop acting like we live in the 1700s. We can at least use laptops to dehumanize women. What do you guys think of Slack?”

At press time, another men’s sports team called an emergency meeting to decide how to update the stone tablets into which they carve their rankings of women. “Our tablets are so biblical,” said team member Alex M. Cunningham ’20. “If we think creatively and support one another, I know we can bring deep-seated patriarchalism into the 21st century.” 


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