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I'm Going to Steal So Many Fucking Books

A book thief
No one will suspect me of book theft in this disguise.

By a Lamont Library Book Thief

It all started when I was six and accidentally walked out of the Pine Hills Community Library with a copy of Captain Underpants. I had forgotten to check it out, but when I got home and realized what I had done, I felt no remorse. Instead, I felt a rush. Ever since that fateful day when I got a taste of literary kleptomania, I’ve never forgotten just how good it felt.

Fast forward to October 30, 2017 and finally, my time has come. I can live out my lifelong fantasy of stealing every single goddamn book in Lamont Library.

I’ll start out slowly, so as not to arouse suspicion. One book at a time. Books no one will miss like Nepalese Agricultural Practices from 1600-1783The Sex Life of James K Polk, or Infinite Jest. I’m sure the bigwigs at the top of the Harvard Libraries food-chain are just waiting for a reason to reinstate those tyrannical bag-checkers. But I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long that I am not letting it go to waste.

Then I’ll ramp up my operation. Two, three books at a time. Maybe even some higher value targets like the only Gov 20 course pack on reserve or that weird one made out of human skin. I don’t care what type of book it is; I’m in it for the thrill of the pure risk.

The key is to be as confident as possible because Lamont has eyes everywhere and they can smell fear a mile away. I’m not so naïve as to think that with this change in policy the bag-checkers were just sent on their merry way with a pension in their pockets. Oh no, they are still on Big Lamont’s payroll, but now it’s a covert operation. The removal of the bag-checkers was just a front for their transition to dark ops.

But now is my chance and I don’t care what it takes. One by one those leather bound beauties will become mine. 


© 2017
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