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Should You Hit the Gym, or Hit Jim?

people on treadmills
One of your two equally-reasonable options, Jeff.
It’s that time of year again, you lily-livered fuck. Summer is just around the corner, and your pasty ass is looking thin and sickly—it’s time to get your rear in gear for that chiseled beach bod you’ve always wanted. Your longtime crush Samantha who tends the bar at O'Farrel's is looking hot as ever, and the sight of your suntanned musculature during the Fourth of July bar crawl in two months will surely woo her into your loving embrace.
But wait—Big Jim from Business Development is making fun of your sweaty hands again. Your yellow-bellied demeanor has let Big Jim shit all over you for two years, and it’s high time to muster up what little courage you have to give him a good ass-kicking. It’ll take you two months to collect that courage, and you must focus hard on doing so. So hard, in fact, that it will inhibit your ability to craft the jaw-dropping physique that will win Samantha’s heart. That means you have two mutually exclusive options to recover your dignity: hitting the gym, or hitting Jim.
The choice is yours. Either you get big and sexy for Samantha, or you defend your honor by walloping Big Jim’s balding head after two months of excruciating reflection and rationalization. On the one hand, you will finally feel the love and touch of another human being after years of yearning. On the other, Big Jim will never disrespect your pathetic ass again.
Hold on! Wait! No! Don't—oh, now you've done it, Jeff. You've broken your hand punching the facade of Planet Fitness! What will we ever do with you, Jeff?
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