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This Woman Is So Chill, She is Frozen and Dead of Hypothermia

Weiss, trapped in a block of frozen water.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Impressed by her consistently relaxed, carefree attitude, sources close to area woman Cate Weiss report that she is so chill she is actually frozen and dead of hypothermia.

Friends of Ms. Weiss expected her to be upset after they collectively bailed on her 21st birthday party by texting that they were “too busy” to attend. 

“I thought she might call me out, and tell me I was being shitty.” said Cate’s roommate Maddie O’Connor, who spent that evening mindlessly breezing through the second season of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, one of more than 1,609 television shows available to her on Cate’s Netflix account. “Now I know she’s just not that kind of girl -- her core body temperature is not high enough to sustain basic functions.”

Similarly, Weiss’s boyfriend Tom Donahue was pleasantly surprised by her cool demeanor after he ghosted her for three months without any meaningful explanation. “Previous girls I’ve dated would have grown rationally angry or, even worse, raised legitimate concerns about the level of communication needed to maintain a healthy and functioning relationship.” He said. “Luckily, thanks to the complete incapacitation of her metabolic processes, Cate didn’t make a big deal about it.”

“Although, she did look a little blue when we last spoke.” He added.

Weiss reportedly achieved complete emotionlessness by taking deep breaths, meditating, and falling into a frigid lake in the Arctic tundra. Although she is now fully relaxed and unbothered, sources say she was only able to reach this state after several stages, including intense shivering, amnesia, and organ failure.

Since then, Weiss has been impervious to all trivial inconveniences, including the end of a two-year relationship, repeated instances of workplace sexual harassment, and the death of all of her family members in a tragic roller coaster accident. 

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