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2017 MLB Season Preview

The Mets, for example, are poised to disappoint their fans much later than usual this year.
Before the 2017 Major League Baseball season is in full swing, Satire V is here to break down the strengths and weaknesses of all the key teams:
 
Cleveland Indians
Strengths: Last year's American League champions have one of the best pitchers in baseball, Corey Kluber.
Weaknesses: They could be facing a lot of protests, as some liberal snowflakes find their mascot Chief Wahoo offensive, for some reason.
 
Chicago Cubs
Strengths: For the first time in more than a century, the Cubs are defending world champions, and most of the team is returning.
Weaknesses: No weaknesses. Just let the Cubs have this, okay?
 
San Diego Padres
Strengths: Hey, it's San Diego! It's nice there!
Weaknesses: Beyond the scope of this article. 
 
New York Mets
Strengths: Many analysts are calling theirs the best pitching rotation in baseball.
Weaknesses: None of those pitchers will be healthy by June 1st.
 
Boston Red Sox
Strengths: HEY FUCK YEAH!
Weaknesses: HEY FUCK YOU!
 
Washington Nationals
Strengths: Good.
Weaknesses: Not great.
 
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Strengths: They have two-time AL MVP Mike Trout at the helm of their offense.
Weaknesses: Trout is only allowed to play one position at a time.
 
Cincinnati Reds
Strengths: Young upstart outfielder Adam Duvall could smash 40 home runs this year.
Weaknesses: EXCEPT THAT DUVALL IS A DIRTY COMMUNIST! You thought you could get away with this right under our noses, didn't you Duvall? But seriously – the Reds? You should have known we would find out about your plan to undermine American democracy from within one of its most beloved institutions. 
 
New York Yankees
Strengths: They have the best team money can buy.
Weaknesses: Apparently money can't buy five professional-quality starting pitchers.
 
Los Angeles Dodgers
Strengths: Los Angeles! The city of dreams! Where anyone can be a star! Hooray for Hollywood! That screwy, ballyhooey Hollywood, where any office boy or young mechanic can be a panic, with just a goodlooking pan. Where any barmaid can be a star maid, if she dances with or without a fan! Hooray for Hollywood!
Weaknesses: If last year's Rookie of the Year Corey Seager hits a sophomore slump, they could be in trouble.
 
© 2017
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