LAS VEGAS, NV — After NFL owners voted 31-1 to move the formerly Oakland Raiders to Las Vegas for the 2019 season, initial marketing reports suggest tourists visiting Sin City are excited to add Raiders games to the list of events they attended while paralytically drunk and unable to encode memories.
The move caps a tumultuous period for the $45-billion NFL, with the Raiders becoming the third team to relocate in just 14 months. However, Commissioner Roger Goodell was quick to shoot down the notion that such moves are simply a money grab to leverage taxpayer dollars from vulnerable state governments, instead claiming this was “for the fans.” Goodell also added that “the league will continue to maintain its firm anti-gambling policy,” before returning to his hotel room in the Bellagio Resort & Casino.
While Oakland residents have been protesting the relocation, new members of Raider Nation appear genuinely excited. “Now it doesn't matter how much the team sucks - I won’t know the result of the game until I wake up on Monday morning and find I’ve gambled all my money away. Then it doesn’t seem so bad!” said Utah resident Daniel Jameson.
At a press conference to announce the move, owner Mark Davis was optimistic about his team’s future. “We used to have the Black Hole in the Coliseum for the hardcore fans, and we look forward to expanding this tradition to all attendees of Raiders games in the future.” Quarterback Derek Carr added, “It really takes the pressure off us as players - most of the fans are going to think they're watching Cirque du Soleil on magic mushrooms or sitting in a giant strip club. Maybe they’ll even start making it rain on me on the bench after I throw an interception!”
Star linebacker Khalil Mack stated, “It will really help fans to fully immerse themselves in the experience of playing in the NFL. I can’t remember what happens in the games either, and my CTE hasn't even set in yet!”