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Harvard to Accept Less Fresh Men to Class of 2022

One of several less fresh men at Harvard

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

After unusual circumstances surrounding the Class of 2021, the College is taking strides to increase the percentage of incoming male students who are far past their expiration dates. Promising candidates include a Yu Gi Oh fan who last updated his profile picture seven years ago, a SoCal native who has vowed to wear basketball shorts through winter, and a pack of self-proclaimed bros whose Opening Days “rager” will only feature a half-empty bottle of wheat Rubinoff.

Some Harvard students have expressed concern about the decision. "I'm not super picky about these things," said Sheila Gopal ’20, "but in general I believe that men are like yogurt. They're best when cultured and not in the later stages of decay." 

After Dean Fitzsimmsons’ announcement, HUHS released a list of recommendations for self-protection. They recommend to “avoid eye contact with men wearing sunglasses at night, buy out all the axe deodorant at CVS and donate it to Goodwill, and, whatever you do, never complement hair that clearly has not been washed in two weeks. Sweat is not a substitute for product!”

At press time, the Admissions office had not finalized the percentage of the incoming class that would be “stale and male.” 

 

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