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We Know We’re Not That Great and We’re Sorry

The Harvard Crimson

Dear Harvard Community, 

We write to you today to address a dark truth that has skulked in the shadows of our fine red-brick campus for quite some time now. An elephant in the room, if you will, that we believe we must acknowledge, for fear of appearing oblivious or obtuse to the obvious state of reality. We, The Crimson, are not that great. And we’re sorry.

This The Week I Get My Life Together, Announces Roommate For Eighth Time This Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Reaffirming reports that have circulated since January, Kate Allan '19 announced earlier today that this week would be the one where she "catches up on work and gets [her] life back on track."

Over a hasty Flyby lunch, the sophomore elaborated, "Yeah, these past few days have been absolute hell, but I just need to make to Friday. Then I'll finally have time to do all the club and job search stuff I've been putting off. Oh, wait, I need to finish my pset first. Fuck. The online quiz is due MONDAY?"

Modern Day Workers' Rights Hero Makes Small Talk with HUDS Worker

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- William J. Legrange '18, a self-proclaimed hero of the people, demonstrated his devotion to the cause of workers' rights earlier today when he took time out of his busy schedule of two classes to engage in polite conservation with the "HUDS swipe lady."  The swipe lady in question, Mary Hernandez, has seen Legrange almost every day in Kirkland for the past two years, sometimes twice a day.
 

LEAKED: Other Things Harvard Republican Club Refuses to Endorse

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After refusing to endorse the Republican Presidential Candidate for the first time in 128 years, The Harvard Republican Club has withheld their support from many other things as well. Satire V has obtained an exclusive leaked list of other things the Harvard Republican Club has just recently refused to endorse:
  • Shoes without bootstraps
  • People who show up to black tie affairs in business suits
  • Off brand water crackers
  • Foreign cheeses
  • The field of gender studies
  • Gender
  • Chancellor Palpatine

From the Archives: Porcellian Club Condemns Harvard College Efforts to Admit Landless Males Lacking Proper Lineage

On this here day in the Year of our Lord MDCCXCI, the denizens of the Porcellian Club have expressed Outrage and Gall at the recent decision of our honourable President Joseph Willard to admit non-landholding white males into the Halls of Learning.

LEAKED: Other Directors' Proposed Commencement Speeches

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- After Harvard announced that Steven Spielberg would address the Class of 2016 during commencement this spring, Satire V gained exclusive access to speeches that other famous directors submitted for Harvard's approval. Here are some excerpts from a few of those speeches:

J.J. Abrams

Top Thesis Titles of 2016

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the deadline for Senior Theses drawing near, students across campus are scrambling to submit their tomes of wisdom in time. However, a thesis isn't complete without an appropriately engaging title to separate the culmination of your attempt at academia from the multitudes. Satire V has curated our favorite titles from this year's collection:

 

I'm Not Sayin' She's a Gold Digger: Economics and Gender in 1850s California

Snowed In: the Psychosocial Impact of Dandruff 

Blue Moon: Understanding Werewolf Emotions

Harvard Student’s Urine Freezes While Peeing on Statue

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As temperatures on campus plunged as low as 10 below zero, prompting weather warnings regarding “life-threatening wind chills,” Harvard freshman Daniel Wilson ’19 found himself in the unfortunate situation of having his member frozen to the foot of John Harvard by a three-foot arc of urine.
 

Harvard Students Rejected By Algorithm After Asking For Valentine

Cambridge, MA--According to reports, a Harvard computer algorithm expressly designed to help students find love has given up. 

"We're experiencing issues with user results," said a message on the algorithm's website. "The problem is you people. Like, how does this happen?"

The algorithm proceeded to cite the fact that the classic 1970 film Love Story took place at Harvard. "I don't believe it. Love is dead, frozen along with the Charles River," it said.

Other Things Found in Winthrop Walls

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last week, asbestos found in the building materials of Winthrop House raised concerns about the safety of those unfortunate enough to still live there. Ever dedicated to serious investigative journalism, SatireV sent in a team to discover what other potential safety hazards were lurking in the walls and ceilings. That team never returned. We sent in a second team, because our regard for human life does not exceed our ravenous need for dirt (figurative and literal). This time they had more success.

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