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Harvard College Introduces New Gennifer Education Requirements

On Wednesday, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to introduce a new set of Gennifer education requirements to the college. Starting in the 2018-19 academic year, students in the college will be expected to take at least one course in the Gennifer Studies department.

All Courses are to be taught by Gennifer Edwards ‘19, a junior in Leverett studying Economics.

Example departmental courses include GS100: Gennifer’s Celebrity Crushes, GS171: Movies that I, Gennifer, would Bring on a Desert Island, and GS14: Introduction to Gennifer’s Odyssey Online Articles.

Student Blows Through All Two Sports Facts He Knows 30 Seconds Into Conversation

Two people talking.

LOWELL DINING HALL — Alex C. Smith '19 found himself at a loss on Wednesday after using up the only two sports facts he knows roughly 30 seconds into dinnertime small talk.

The painful conversation began when Lisa H. Jenkins '18 asked Smith, her former section acquaintance, whether he had caught the big game as the two waited for their grill orders.

“How ’bout those Packers, am I right?” he replied, relying on fact number one. “17-9 against the Seahawks is no easy feat.”

Harvard Reacts: Controversy over Admissions Practices

Widener Library

Recently, the Justice Department announced that it will investigate Harvard's admissions practices, and now the university has come under public scrutiny:

"Admission should be based on one factor: How many 501c3s have you founded?"
        –Alex R. Watson ’20, Founder of Kids Taking on Chlamydia

We Know We’re Not That Great and We’re Sorry

The Harvard Crimson

Dear Harvard Community, 

We write to you today to address a dark truth that has skulked in the shadows of our fine red-brick campus for quite some time now. An elephant in the room, if you will, that we believe we must acknowledge, for fear of appearing oblivious or obtuse to the obvious state of reality. We, The Crimson, are not that great. And we’re sorry.

This The Week I Get My Life Together, Announces Roommate For Eighth Time This Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Reaffirming reports that have circulated since January, Kate Allan '19 announced earlier today that this week would be the one where she "catches up on work and gets [her] life back on track."

Over a hasty Flyby lunch, the sophomore elaborated, "Yeah, these past few days have been absolute hell, but I just need to make to Friday. Then I'll finally have time to do all the club and job search stuff I've been putting off. Oh, wait, I need to finish my pset first. Fuck. The online quiz is due MONDAY?"

Modern Day Workers' Rights Hero Makes Small Talk with HUDS Worker

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- William J. Legrange '18, a self-proclaimed hero of the people, demonstrated his devotion to the cause of workers' rights earlier today when he took time out of his busy schedule of two classes to engage in polite conservation with the "HUDS swipe lady."  The swipe lady in question, Mary Hernandez, has seen Legrange almost every day in Kirkland for the past two years, sometimes twice a day.
 

LEAKED: Other Things Harvard Republican Club Refuses to Endorse

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After refusing to endorse the Republican Presidential Candidate for the first time in 128 years, The Harvard Republican Club has withheld their support from many other things as well. Satire V has obtained an exclusive leaked list of other things the Harvard Republican Club has just recently refused to endorse:
  • Shoes without bootstraps
  • People who show up to black tie affairs in business suits
  • Off brand water crackers
  • Foreign cheeses
  • The field of gender studies
  • Gender
  • Chancellor Palpatine

From the Archives: Porcellian Club Condemns Harvard College Efforts to Admit Landless Males Lacking Proper Lineage

On this here day in the Year of our Lord MDCCXCI, the denizens of the Porcellian Club have expressed Outrage and Gall at the recent decision of our honourable President Joseph Willard to admit non-landholding white males into the Halls of Learning.

LEAKED: Other Directors' Proposed Commencement Speeches

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- After Harvard announced that Steven Spielberg would address the Class of 2016 during commencement this spring, Satire V gained exclusive access to speeches that other famous directors submitted for Harvard's approval. Here are some excerpts from a few of those speeches:

J.J. Abrams

Top Thesis Titles of 2016

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the deadline for Senior Theses drawing near, students across campus are scrambling to submit their tomes of wisdom in time. However, a thesis isn't complete without an appropriately engaging title to separate the culmination of your attempt at academia from the multitudes. Satire V has curated our favorite titles from this year's collection:

 

I'm Not Sayin' She's a Gold Digger: Economics and Gender in 1850s California

Snowed In: the Psychosocial Impact of Dandruff 

Blue Moon: Understanding Werewolf Emotions

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